Faking It: (“O’ God”)
Last week He had pinched her butt as He said it. It was supposed to be sort of playful. The mood was light and she said it too. She still wondered if she meant it, but it didn’t seem to matter.
Sometimes He would buy her flowers and whisper it softly, and at times He would tell it to her with jewelry. Those were the times that she thought she felt it too; those wonderfully sweet moments when her heart overflowed. She’d stroke His face and kiss Him softly and whisper “I love you”, even as she wondered whether those feelings were real.
But this wasn’t one of those times. This was the perfunctory we’re-married-therefore-we-have-to-say-it kind of “I love you”. This was when duty called and she went along with it. She was good at going through the motions. She knew how to make it look believable. She wondered if He bought it. She wondered if it mattered.
“I love You. You’re my One and Only. You’re beautiful. You’re strong. You’re smart. You’re kind.” He seems to accept this as if it was His due. She allows herself to be kissed as she continues with the accolades.
He kisses her possessively and she dutifully moans. He seems to like that. He strokes her cheek and tells her how her beauty overwhelms Him. She feels His love, and tries hard to bask in its warmth. It is not warm enough. After all, she has been flattered and sincerely admired many a time. Yet throughout it all she never strayed. Not the genuine appreciation, at times sweet affection, nor naked desire could get her to forget the responsibilities that were so deeply ingrained. At the end of the day she always accepted her position and her duty, and resisted the many who tried to court her. Though many had tempted, but she knew that she couldn’t. She knew she wouldn’t. Because she’d never have the heart to hurt Him. And because she had signed up for this even if it hadn’t been entirely her choice. This was her life, and she usually liked it. She preferred the security, the comfort, the peace of mind.
She wishes she could feel it too.
She angles her face to kiss Him again and tries to pour her heart into it, but it isn’t working. Sure, she likes him and all, for the most part anyway. But there is none of the intense love she so desperately longs to experience. She stares into those dark and inscrutable eyes and wonders what she is supposed to feel. She would readily admit that technically He was incredibly handsome. His deep set eyes, chiseled chin and Prince Charming looks are what fairytale heroes are made of. And He has that incredible way of leavening that heavy masculinity with a dashing smile of pearly whites, when His dimple in His right cheek would wink so endearingly. Indeed apparently He seemed to send so many hearts aflutter. She just wishes it would do something for her. So what if He’s supposedly brilliant? She though. And super sweet. And considerate and compassionate. Yipdeedoo. Not only isn’t she really certain whether it is definitively so or not, but she’s got the distinct impression that He wants to hear that it is true. Repeatedly. So she says it time and again. She doesn’t understand why He so loves to be praised; seemingly unconcerned with the sincerity. Just her saying it, seems like enough. It satisfies, though she cannot fathom why.
She wonders why someone like Him who seems so certain of Himself, who considers Himself the Be all and End all, would need the constant reassurance.
The lovemaking is lacking intensity and though she is going through the proper motions and her pleasure looks believable there is still no passion. So He spanks her hard. She wonders whether that was for her own or His pleasure, she’s further confused when after, he runs His hand over her butt cheek to attempt to ease the sting. He bends down to kiss away the pain, but then suddenly shifts gears again when He slides His hands upwards softly and then suddenly He pinches her nipples hard. She bucks wildly. She’s confused by the inconsistencies and by the way the lovemaking was unpredictably shifting back and forth in tone. From her end, He is causing pain not passion; but apparently He seems to find it necessary. She had read somewhere that He was hurting her for her own sake, so as to create a sort of fervor. If not quite to arouse then to incite, the article claimed that the pain was intended to bring them closer. To make her turn to Him.
She wondered then as she wonders now whether it is all a load of bullshit, even as she finds herself clinging to Him. “Oh God!” she whimpers. And He keeps spanking her, harder. She is sore and in pain and she finally thinks that she’s feeling it. That connection. But even as she sees that He is coming closer to hitting His peak, it isn’t quite getting her off. And she knows why too.
There used to be a time that she felt comfortable with Him. A time when she always turned to Him for comfort, for release, for advice. But things had changed. Some would blame the World Wide Web, others would call it “exposure”, and she couldn’t definitively counter that. Indeed it was online that she was introduced to what she often thought of as better. Sites she visited that told her that He wasn’t the Only One. And He wasn’t all that great, all that powerful, all that *big*. It ruined her private moments. Those thoughts she struggled to keep at bay, intruded when she wanted them least.
At first she’d attempted to shut her mind off and turn all of her attention towards Him, but those websites keep encroaching, entering her subconscious, and then conscious mind. She struggles harder with the right movements, the right sounds, but comes up short with procuring the right feelings.
He lifts her up, and settles her into position as he attempts to enter her. “Oh God!” she cries again as he fills her. She arches and reaches for him. It looks convincing. He seems to believe it. He seems happy. Does it matter if she doesn’t feel it?
Afterwards, she rolls over feeling empty and wondering why she goes along with it. Why she goes through the motions of pleasing Someone Who she isn’t even certain matters. Someone Who she wonders whether he truly even cares. But there is comfort here in this life. Security. And while she waits for the love to grow over time, or perhaps to one day find that she has desperately fallen in love, she knows that for the time being, she’ll go on and continue faking it.
Printable Version
“Afterwards, she rolls over [...]”
I thought the Jewish God doesn’t do missionary?
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Wow, beautiful and creative piece of writing.
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He is into the oral law big time, though
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Love the new name btw, Mrs. S S.
As long as the seems stay on…
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Stop with the excessive complimenting people, let’s rip it apart.
Just kidding, truly a masterpiece. Keep it up Ms. Langstrumpf!!
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“Sure, she likes him and all, for the most part anyway. But there is none of the intense love she so desperately longs to experience”
this part was interesting to me- I assume the author is writing this because the character in the story (or herself, if that’s who she’s talking about) has an arranged marriage and thinks that non-arranged marriages have this kind of intense love.
But I can say (as someone who researches divorce) that while many married couples do have that type of intense love at the outset of their marriage, most are not able to sustain that, and the expectation that they will be deeply and intensely in love with their spouse at all times is one of the reasons for the high divorce rate- because that’s just not very realistic.
I’m also glad to see women writing on this website
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Love and belief are irrational, and any attempt to rationalize them would leave one with doubts and confusion at best. Then, one may opt to identify a motive to explain one’s continued clinging to them.
Great analogy; supper style. Thanks, Tzippi.
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Carrying Shir Hashirim and Lecha Dodi one step further. Awesome.
And it seems to me that the Chassidim have some sort of advanced writing class tucked away in the bowels of Williamsburgh.
Well done.
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BHB, it seems the Rebbe Ztz”l’s tears at shalsh seudes all the years wasn’t wasted after all
Good article. I believe love making in marriage in general has a degree of faking involved. Desire and erotica is fueled by fantasy, mystery and needs distance while marriage is the opposite.
There’s a book by Esther Perel called
Mating in Ccaptivity on this subject. Not my Chasidshe Torahs.
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talk about being screwed by god….
great piece of writing. i love the anthropomorphism here and just the whole idea that god is not just a lover, but a BAD lover, who lacks the ability to see that his own lover is no longer receptive. the fact that he cannot tell that she is “faking it” speaks volumes and really gives way to so many further questions for the female character and the reader.
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Emily, that is brilliant. I didn’t understand the piece to be a metaphor to the human relation with God. I see it now. I wonder if the writer intended it too.
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R&C — Capitalized pronouns.
Unless it’s a writer who is unfamiliar with basic rules of grammar — which I’d have hoped our esteemed editorial team would’ve corrected.
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R&C as in Rude and Crude?
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Wow, I was wondering about that. “Him” kept on bugging me as I was reading the piece, I get it now.
I have to come full circle, I thought its a grammer mistake. I will never again doubt the writters of this great platform!
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No, berish. As Refined and Conscientious.
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Well, me too, I was a bit presumptuous.
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Presumptuous concerning what?
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Emily: I got the feeling that she realized that it was not that His techniques were bad. For the most part she thinks that she should be feeling a great many positive feelings, and is trying to figure out where she is lacking, that she can’t.
As for Him not noticing that she’s not feeling it? Indeed the conundrum. Why does He want her to say these things if her heart isn’t in it? I think they are both holding onto the hope that they will ‘grow into love’ over time. And there is something to be said for that. Rather than a passionate pairing that fizzles after a while, long term love grows stronger and healthier and, in essence – truer.
Maybe there is still hope for them.
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Mistook you, R&C, for being Rude, Cynical and sarcastic.
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Abandaning
I just want to add that even long term relationships without marriage also ends because of this. This is the natural progress of love. I just pitty the author as her life will just keep on getting worse and worse. I can tell the next stage for this author is going to bitterness and resentment unless something in her life is going to change the course of her marriage, she is going to end up divorced. I just pitty her I can assure you that she has no happy moment in her day. Sometimes I recomend, depending on many other factors, for my patients who are in a similar situation to take some medicines and go for counseling to help them decide how they want to proceed in their life.
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PA CA: Good thing this isn’t the author’s life then. Eh?
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Velvel: I actually believe that long term lovers can be more attuned to their partner’s needs. For that reason, lovemaking in marriage can be in a very real sense far more intense than even first time encounters. Especially first time encounters.
Certainly it is always wise to ‘spice things up’, but the level of comfort long term intimacy affords, is not something to be dismissed as ‘uninspired’. And marital intimacy – when done right – should never feel like captivity.
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PA California, which medicine would help one recognize a metaphor for what it is?
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“And marital intimacy – when done right – should never feel like captivity.”
Nothing in marriage should feel like captivity. However, marriage (or any long-term partnership) inevitably involves give-and-take in all areas, including intimacy. Sometimes one partner does something just for the sake of the other, and at other times the opposite happens. It is only if it gets too one-sided that we can say this is indicative of a problematic relationship.
Regarding love, there is some research showing that this overwhelmingly intense feeling we call ‘love’ (and its associated brain chemistry) inevitably is not sustained for a period longer than about two years. (Unless, oddly enough, the relationship is broken up!) What starts out as intense burning ‘love’ eventually settles down to something more like the warm glow of ‘like’, familiarity, and comfortability (hopefully). However, there are SOME people who manage to hold on to love for very long periods in a relationship — even 25 years — and when put in an fMRI their brain shows the same exact patterns as those in the most intense throes of love. How do they manage to do that? I don’t think anybody knows.
But God, of course, can do anything. See here:
http://img.scoop.co.nz/stories/images/0912/7dd6a1cf9671f296cd10.jpeg
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And here are the footnotes, sonce you shouldn’t take anything on faith
Two years:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4669104.stm
About the fMRI, can’t find an article quickly, but here is a video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html
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Am I the only one who found this piece heartbreaking? The saddest thing to me is that the rigid gender roles here are completely familiar to me–even though I’m not a hasidishe woman, wasn’t raised hasidic, and all my relationships with men thus far have taken place in the secular world. Yet men seem to expect the same things across the board–they get to be the activie, agressive person in sex,(“he lifts her up & settles her into position”–& this whole thing about him “hurting her for her own sake” because women are “supposed” to experience sexual pleasure through degredation & pain is restatement of the classic “rape myth”–deep down, we want it, or so men tell us). Women are supposed to learn to enjoy men doing all kinds of humiliating things to us, and I think that’s true among both religious & secular women (most every guy I’ve dated has tried to do some shit like spanking me or putting his hand over my mouth in bed, even when I gave no indication that I wanted him to do dominating stuff like that–I asked a guy I was with to tell me something he liked about me to help me feel more confident in bed, & his response was “I love the way you tremble in my hands,” which just made me feel kind of weak & pathetic.) The woman is always supposed to moan & react to being “entered” as well, while most guys I’ve dated are completely silent in bed (it’s like men see you as this passive hole they get to prove their manhood in literally & figuratively). I think many women feel like the woman in this story–that we’re supposed to like all that macho stuff, even though it leaves us feeling empty & horrible; We try to squash that little part of our spirit that’s left that wants something more egalitarian or respectuful of our dignity, & we usually don’t say anything because we’re afraid of being abandoned–or we think the guy’s desire matters more than our own. Most of us have never been given permission to think about our sexuality outside the male-dominant-female-submissive framework we’re given by patriarchal culture, and I personally think that has a lot more to do with masculinity as a harmful social construct, than it does with Orthodoxy or religion. The sex that this female character’s husband expects her to love seems so humiliating to me, what does it say about what men really thing about women, if they sincerely expect us to enjoy this. This story really made me wish more women were aware of feminism, how it’s not just about overtly political stuff, but also changing how we thing about very personal things like our sexual relationships.
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> which medicine would help one recognize a metaphor for what it is?
English lit 1.1?
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Stephanie — Your points are valid to the degree that they reflect your own feelings regarding gender and sexuality. I’m not sure most women would agree with you. Of course, I’m not a woman and I shouldn’t speak for them. But this piece was written by a woman. And for you to insinuate that she only feels the way she does because of a male-imposed view is a presumption that may (or, again, may not) be completely wrong.
But the one issue you’re unequivocally wrong about is this:
“Most of us have never been given permission to think about our sexuality outside the male-dominant-female-submissive framework we’re given by patriarchal culture.”
Your own outspokenness on this subject, both here and in other forums, should show that it isn’t that difficult to say it. It might not be at all disallowed. It might be simply disagreed with.
I, for one, would love to hear from other women on the subject.
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Excellent point, Stephanie!
As John Lennon said ‘Women are the niggers of the world’.
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HR-
Stephanie didn’t hire me as her advocate. I’m sure she is more than capable of defending herself, but I think you misunderstood those lines. I don’t think she meant “permission” in the sense that women are oppressed and are restrained by external means from exploring their sexuality. I think permission in that context means that- in a male dominant environment it is impossible for women to explore their niches and preferences regarding sex. Women are told by men what their sexual role is and should be. From a very early stage in sexual development a girl is taught to perceive her role in a certain way. It’s hard to unlearn what society has taught you, hence most women are forever confined into their male dictated role.
Disclaimer. I dont necesarrily agree with the above. Im just attempting to clarify her point.
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Stephanie – Obviously there is validity to the fact that there is inherent male dominance in sex. Anatomically, it is a prerequisite. (Him penetrating her; him being the giver, her the receiver.) But this actually just makes the point for the natural order of things.
Which is why I disagree with your statement that women feel raped. Actually, I think that women quite enjoy the male domination, so long as they have positive feelings towards him, and his ‘dominance’ isn’t mean-spirited or cold.
At the same time it is important to realize that sex isn’t about male domination. A woman can, and should! take charge on occasion. Or more frequently than that. Her life – her choice. (And many men quite like that!)
And while men will claim that they admire an intelligent and successful woman, I do agree that most any man will admit that he needs to know that he is the more intelligent one, the more successful one – or at least that his partner should perceive him as such. On the same venue, a woman too wants her husband to be the more intelligent and stronger one.
So yes, most men thrive on feeling powerful. But at the same time I believe that women get turned on by that power in a man.
Hope my point’s clear. Gotta run. Kids. Dinner. Bedtime. Life.
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Stephanie,
As a woman, I found your comment to be highly insulting and condescending of me, my sexuality, femininity, and personal psychosexual preferences.
Who are you to judge and to tell me what I can or should desire? Why do you make me out to be the victim that I absolutely am not?
Oh poor baby Hoezen, she loves chocolate. She must have been force fed for years.
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Shakespeare’s Othello lamented that He “loved not wisely, but too well.” S/HE needs to be loved, “not too well, but wisely.
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” Obviously there is validity to the fact that there is inherent male dominance in sex. Anatomically, it is a prerequisite. (Him penetrating her; him being the giver, her the receiver.)”
Yes of course. Tzippy don’t you
know? God, biology, nature, evolution (fill in the blank), they are all a bunch of sexist, misogynistic, chauvinistic, pervs!
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Something tells me Tzippi is not a woman.
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Tzippi is absolutely, positively a woman. If she was a man she would have written how much the woman was getting off.
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a truly aroused pussy is an active pussy
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stephanie, while i don’t think the dynamic is as universal as you say (although still quite common), it seems to be a pretty good analysis of the dynamic of the relationship in this story
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tzippi,
me thinks deep down your poetry is more honest than your prose,
your fiction more honest than your editorial
(which of course, is at it usually is…)
so heed your own story
because although you state quite confidently that “women like it”
your heroine doesn’t.
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and although your bio states how totally content you are…well, here you are.
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Kisarita: I’m sorry you think Tzippi’s a real person…
Whatever floats your boat
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Kisarita – Were you seeing it as my heroine complaining about male dominance? If that is what people read into it, then I’m afraid much of the point was missed.
She isn’t complaining about the S&M. She’s simply frustrated with the fact that she is supposed to *feel* something when she doesn’t. That she says things, because it pleases Him, even though she doesn’t mean then. And she questions why, if she doesn’t mean them, then pray tell why does it please Him?
The allegorical context was that which was dominant for me throughout the piece as I wrote it. As I was hoping it would be for the readers as they read it. If that part is overlooked then the ‘story’ is just a pointless piece of erotica.
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so the dom/sub dynamic just got in their by mistake? it’s the mistakes that are the most telling!
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as well as the BEST part of the allegory! yeah we’re supposed to LOOVE it when god hits us!
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btw why is my other comment still awaiting moderation?
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I don’t approve or deny comments. Guess you’d have to ask the moderators, or resubmit.
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tzippi,
i get the impression that the narrator has definitely resigned herself to waiting it out, hoping for the best in years to come.
“And while she waits for the love to grow over time, or perhaps to one day find that she has desperately fallen in love, she knows that for the time being, she’ll go on and continue faking it.”
however, i think that last line is the saddest part of the whole story. while some may read a degree of hope in there, i see it differently. (now, of course, only you know what you intended. i’m just bringing my own reading in here.) the narrator doesn’t seem entirely convinced that she’ll ever feel that great love that others had previously felt.
“Those were the times that she thought she felt it too; those wonderfully sweet moments when her heart overflowed.”
the use of the word “thought” proves that she never ACTUALLY felt it, but thought that she did. if she did feel it, she would have stated that she DID feel it. the fact that she’s unsure makes me wonder: 1. is she alone in this uncertainty–if she is uncertain, than surely, others must be as well and 2. if she’s not completely convinced that she has felt it in the past, then what are the chances that later on, when her doubts are more pronounced, that she’ll feel it then, especially since she’s “faking it” at the end?
she does what is expected.
we are taught that if we do what god wants, we’ll be rewarded. but it isn’t true. your narrator proves this. she goes through the motions (and all of the rabbis always say to daven even if you don’t feel it because one day you will!) and instead of being rewarded, is punished and accepts it and resigns herself to live with it. because this is what god wants.
at the end i want to yell at the narrator and tell her to stand up to him. the relationship itself is passively-aggressive. she becomes a victim. it reminds me of stockholm syndrome. despite the abuse, she still wants to stay:
“Why she goes through the motions of pleasing Someone Who she isn’t even certain matters. Someone Who she wonders whether he truly even cares. But there is comfort here in this life. Security.”
it’s hard for me to see hope at the end. waiting for it to get better just seems like giving up on her own potential.
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What you see as acceptance, or perhaps even surrender, *is* indeed about hope. Not in the sense of sudden redemption, but rather, an optimistic outlook of things yet to come. Perhaps not in the immediate future. But relationships are about growth. Long term growth.
Did she get to experience the initial passion at the onset of their marriage? Maybe. Maybe not. But in all relationships there are the inevitable growing pains. Perhaps they could have been avoided, but there was no need to. Relationships thrive on that honesty. The scrutiny, that in-depth analysis gives both parties the opportunity to better understand themselves, each other, and for them to grow closer.
After allowing herself to question, to wonder and to go through the process, reality will crawl up on her and she will see Him for Who He is. She will inevitably once again acknowledge that she needs Him in her life. As the perfect parent, as the ideal partner.
And once that love settles in, she’ll get to experience and enjoy the fact that He is a most skilled and attentive Lover.
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The Body Never Lies.
(The mind does, but not the body.)
Your last post reminds me of my ongoing debate on this blog
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Kisarita – I enjoyed your take on emotions and attitude, and I hear you on how “forcibly adopting a cheerful attitude” won’t alter the need for the emotional situation to be addressed, lest there be dire consequences in the long run.
Indeed. The emotional situation, if there is one in need of addressing, should definitely be dealt with rationally. As you said “a healthy personality is when one’s emotions and rational thought processes are integrated”, but that isn’t to say that ‘hope’ and an optimistic outlook on life won’t facilitate positive results. Indeed they are the only things that will.
Regardless of all the studies that often contradicts themselves on this very issue, basic common sense still dictates that a positive and upbeat attitude is the most effective tool in our arsenal.
As rational and logical as we may choose to be, ultimately it is our expectations that we are most likely to live up to. Expect the worse, and you are bound to sabotage any progress towards success.
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Kisarita — Sorry, my Internet’s been flaky. We don’t actively moderate comments, but some get flagged for various reasons. I didn’t personally have a probelm with your comment, but apparently our spam filter did…
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Faking It: (“O’ God”) – Title says it all.
Faking it: is telling a true story while portraying it as fiction.
(“O’ God”) is “hope”, which like belief, is just a means of suppressing reality.
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HS –
How is hope a supression of reality? It is but an outlook on life. A way of approaching ‘reality’ hopefully.
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Someone beat me to the Shir Hashirim analogy. I liked it.
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This should have won first prize. This is the best essay I have read on this site. I felt like I knew the protagonist, like I could feel what she felt even though I am not in her situation at all. Bravo, Tzippy.
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Thanks Gitty. Always gratifying to be recognized.
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nice work.
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WOW!!!!
Great writing. i enjoyed every word. i hope it is fiction, because i believe there are many woman in the chassidic community who suffer this way. It is very sad.
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and i know several myself.
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Marc, I appreciate your comments on the writing, but do note that it isn’t so much a story as an allegory. Which is why I can’t quite categorize it as ‘fiction’, so much as I can say that B”H – I can’t at all relate.
On a side note, from the physical aspect, it is not a condemnation of Chassidic marriages at all. Passionless & loveless sex can occur anyplace anytime – whether in a longterm marriage or a misbegotten one night stand.
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