Hair
Chaya nervously navigates the traffic to the Brooklyn Bridge on the rush back to Monsey from our few hours in Borough Park and Crown Heights. Her periodic glances at the GPS should be unnecessary since she’s probably driven this route no less than a thousand times, but I don’t ask. She seems annoyed and there is something about her anger that frightens me.
“You know,” I say, when we’re settled into her candy wrapper-littered minivan for the trip back to Rockland County, “what I am holding in my hand is really just a bag of hair. Somebody else’s hair. Or, rather, it was somebody else’s hair. And now it’s mine.”
Chaya’s face darkens and she mashes her lips together.
“Somewhere in Europe there are women walking around practically bald because a bunch of crazy Jewish ladies needed sheitels.” Now I’m laughing and I can’t help myself. The bandana I’ve been wearing starts to slip back, revealing some of my hair and she glances over at me, glaring.
“You really need to stop wearing those things. The Rebbe says that Jewish women are not allowed to wear scarves of any type. Now that you have a sheitel, you have to wear it all the time. You have no excuse for ever leaving your house without it.”
“What if I’m going running?” I venture. “I can’t wear a wig running.”
“Then you shouldn’t be running. It’s not tznius. And I’m not speaking as your friend. I’m speaking as your mashpia.”
“Chaya, are you kidding me? You expect me to wear somebody else’s hair running? How about hiking?”
“You are a frum woman. A married frum woman. Hashem expects this of you. The Rebbe expects this of you.” She brushes back black hairs from her own wig that have landed in her face and shifts her portly body in her seat as she drives up the FDR. “I am your spiritual mentor and I expect this of you.”
I sigh, feeling a bit too much like a child despite nearing thirty. It feels like it was only yesterday that she was teaching me the laws of taharas hamishpacha. “You should feel Hashem’s presence when you and your husband are having relations,” she had said. “When you are in your bedroom, make sure it’s pitch black. And when he is inside of you, think only of righteous men.”
“What if I can’t think of any?” I had asked.
“Think of the Rebbe.”
Um, yeah, sure. I’ll think of the Rebbe during sex. That should be orgasmic. Maybe I should have had thoughts of him during those wild nights before I was married and religious. I could have told my lovers that I had a Rebbe fetish. They could have dressed up in black coats and long beards. Later when I told my husband, we collapsed in fits of giggles and tears.
The trees are already turning orange up in Yonkers and Chaya finally addresses me. I have been gratefully engaged in my own thoughts and now I look across at her and wonder if she’s going to reprimand me for my hair jokes.
“Nu, you’re pretty quiet. Are you okay?” She reaches over and strokes my arm. I’m bundled into an olive green sweater and I shiver a bit. “We should pull over and talk. We have time.”
“What do we need to talk about?” The bag of hair is at my feet in a smart white paper shopping bag. Suddenly I’m suspicious of Chaya and her push for me to get this wig. I’m feeling coerced and confused and I just want to curl up into myself.
“I don’t think you understand just how important this sheitel is, Rachel. It really proclaims to the world that you are a proud Jewish woman doing what Hashem commands. Whenever you wear it, the Rebbe will be smiling down on you and giving blessings to you and your family.”
My eyes dart back to the bag and I start hyperventilating and then I lose it to the laughter. “I’m sorry, I just can’t get over that it’s somebody else’s hair!” More giggles.
“It’s nobody else’s but yours,” Chaya says sternly, switching from the right lane to the middle to the left, barely missing a truck piled high with crates of live chickens.
“You know, it’s pretty ironic that you told me that I had to get rid of my goyishe friends but it’s okay to wear their hair on my head. Isn’t that a bit ridiculous?” I smooth my denim skirt and adjust the laces on my boots. (Chaya insulted my Doc Martens earlier. “You can’t wear men’s boots” she had said. I didn’t respond.)
“Look. If you don’t wear it Hashem will punish you. Maybe he’ll make you or your children sick, chas v’shalom. Maybe your husband will become ill, God forbid. Maybe he’ll take away your parnassa. Maybe other bad things will happen to you or your family. But He’ll be angry. He wants you to do the right thing. And this, very clearly, is the right thing.” Chaya is speeding and has passed the rest stop. I am no longer laughing. “Do you understand what I’m saying?” I’m clutching my seatbelt and the door handle while she hits eighty. “Do you want to be the one who’s causing Moshiach not to come?”
I revert back to the safety of quiet for the remainder of the trip.
Ten months later, I take the sheitel off for the last time. Eight months after that, my five year-old son is digging through my closet, searching for lost trains and he finds the sheitel, sitting on a Styrofoam head stuffed behind some boxes.
“Mommy! I found your hair in your closet.”
“That’s not my hair. My hair is on my head.” I try to suppress a giggle but I can’t help it. He laughs too but then he’s all serious again.
“Whose hair is it?”
“I think it might belong to a European woman,” I say, scooping him into my arms.
“Then shouldn’t you give it back?”
“Yeah,” I say, looking into his wide hazel eyes. “I think I should.”
Printable Version
Brilliant piece of writing. There’s nothing like the ole fear and guilt trip play to keep the sufficiently gullible in place.
Of all the things I loathe regarding my Orthodox upbringing, the whole wig thing might just top the list, and I’m not even a female.
There is something especially repugnant about subjugating women with such repressive zeal; robbing them of a physical attribute they cherish in the name of uncontrollable bearded horn dogs. Religion is surely the brainchild of men.
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you dorealize women were always the more devout in religious practice throughout the ages.
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I really enjoyed reading this piece because it is brilliant, sensitive and the author is an amazing woman and cousin, so it makes me kvell!
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Cousin or not, I enjoyed it too. Unpious’s Got Talant!
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Yes, this was brilliant.
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, you do realize that in other chasidishe communities, the tichel is considered more “holy” than the Shaitel.
See, I always knew that Lubabitch is a beautiful religion that is similar to Judaism.
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after a certain age (which I think I’m just getting to) most women look better in a sheitel.
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FAKEWOOD says ‘you do realize women were always the more devout in religious practice throughout the ages’
Perhaps it’s because, in the frum world, it is much easier for a man to pursue other interests.
It takes more courage and guts for a woman to actively do so.
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I don’t know if this is the proper forum but I must admit I have a sheitel fetish. Not the women who wear them, just the sheitel.
Such a burden to get that out and in the open.
This is a great piece of writing and probably reflects the views of so many women too afraid to speak up.
They knew that he was different from the moment he was born.
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The evolution of the sheitel is one the most warped practices in contemporary Judaism.
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Epic fail as a kiruv worker, she frightens me too. Tell me that she is atypical of her kind, please?
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Great peice! But isn’t the trick to get one that is way sexier than your own hair?
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Eesh, just the thought of a bald woman with her rent-hair askew, closed eyes, gritted teeth, mind focused solely upon images of Schneerson, or perhaps Halberstam or Teitelbaum, is enough to make one’s skin crawl.
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Thinking of other men? That sounds awfully, errr… unkosher.
“The Rebbe expects this of you”?
Threats of “Hashem will punish you”?
What religion is all that?
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while i’m not sure if it exists in other areas of orthodox judaism, i find it extremely disturbing that within the lubavitch community is this need to pair individuals with a mashpia who the individual (especially the ba’al/ba’alas teshuvah) is told to go to with all of their questions and problems. this gives the mashpia almost complete authority over the individual, who is made to believe that he/she must listen to and take the advice that this person gives.
this paves the way for: 1. extreme peer pressure within the community for newcomers to conform to standards set by other members and leaders; 2. this mashpia to play “rabbi” or even “god” with this person’s life and the decisions that he/she makes regarding this person’s life; 3. this mashpia to take advantage of the person (especially in the case of newcomers to the community who may lack the religious education and experience to know that all of what he/she says is not necessarily the truth, correct, or even ethical.)
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baal habos,
“Traditional Jewish sources assert that there is a direct influence of the thoughts and spiritual atmosphere between husband and wife on their seed and their offspring. Therefore, one should contemplate holy thoughts and envision righteous men during marital relations (siddur beis yakov hanhagos leil shabbos 6:9), since those thoughts will have an effect on the seed and create praiseworthy children.”(Jacobs, Rabbi Fishel. Family Purity. Campus Living and Learning, South Royalton: 2000. p.132)
“If his thoughts are filled with his wife’s well being, love for her, and thoughts of Torah wisdom, those thoughts will be enveloped and transferred into the father’s semen and have the power to affect the child.” (Jacobs, 133)
of course, there is no scientific basis for any of these matters. and it is also easy to see how a bt might fall prey to a misinterpretation or an OVER-interpretation of these ideas.
the book also has a website: (www.familypurity.com)
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The pseudoscience of maternal impression, the notion that mental or visual impressions can have prenatal effects on the offspring, dates back to the Book of Genesis’ account of Jacob’s manipulating the coloring of his flock.
More recently, in the beginning of the 18th century, Safer Habris “documents” a story of a white couple giving birth to a black child; and it goes on to explain that the mother had gazed on something black, possibly on a black painting by Ad Reinhardt.
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Ha. Yoelish, you gotta love how the Sefer Habris chose to ignore the obvious: some black hunk hanging (or ‘hung’?) around the ’shtetl’, proving irresistible to some innocent ‘veibel’.
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Emily, does that mean I should be thinking about the Rebbetzin? I don’t think the Baale Busteh woould appreciate that even though the rebbetzin is on a high madregah.
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baal habos,
i don’t agree with these teachings. i’m just stating what they are. personally, i find the whole business of teaching this to an inexperienced young woman approaching her wedding to be rather disquieting. maybe it’s meant to ease her mind about the act of having sex, but a terrified 17 year old girl who has had little contact with the opposite gender, thinking of the rebbe is just wrong and strikingly unhealthy. “honey, you’re going to have to let him do it. just think of the rebbe and it’ll all be okay.”
i also find it upsetting that bt’s are taught this at all, especially those who are already married.
the whole thing rivals catholic bedrooms with crucifixes hanging within sight of the bed.
btw, wondering, is it only the lubavitchers who encourage these thoughts during sex?
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I don’t think this piece accurately reflects how mashpi’im talk.
As Emily writes, this go-to-your-mashpia business makes mashpi’im too godlike, but I don’t think there are any mashpi’im who are this authoritarian.
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Rebekah,
Would love to have a talk with your “mashpia”. I can use some clarification.
While having sex and thinking of the rebbe of course, what should I be fantasizing about? Having sex with the rebbe? Am I allowed to visualize him the way I saw him in a book young and dashing, standing next to his father in law, or does it have to be the way I remember him in his last years?
If I personally think the Bal Hatanyah was better looking, I have the hots for his beard perhaps, is it ok if I chose to rather think of him?
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I just want to clarify that this is a fictionalized account of several actual conversations. E states that this piece does not accurately reflect how mashpi’im talk, however, I’d say it doesn’t reflect how mashpi’im ARE SUPPOSED TO TALK. (I’m sorry for the caps. I’m not sure how to italicize on comments.)Unfortunately, there are (too) many things in the many variations of orthodox Judaism that should be inaccuracies, but are not. For example, how many of us, before having any doubts about our practice and belief systems, upon seeing a piece of writing about someone being sexually abused by a rabbi, would have felt that this was an accurate portrayal of orthodox Judaism? I think that part of this idea that our eyes are being opened to the problems faced within the diverse religious communities, has to be the willingness to see and believe that all is not the way it should be, but rather the way it is. Sadly, the way it is, is not always pretty. And sadder still, is that there are people who take their power to influence others to a very unhealthy extreme.
Hoezen,
You totally crack me up. I really hope that was intended.
(FYI. My usual screen name is Emily. The above comments are mine. I will continue all further comments as Emily.)
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This is a well-written and touching story which aptly describes how good intentions can lead to undermining the original goal. I hope people can find the right spiritual leader for themselves.
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A beautiful, thought provoking story bec. I am a jewish woman..non religious, much more on the spiritual side of life..what i read from you here was scary..brainwashing, non logical, scare tactics, guilt tactics and i cannot believe people believe this way. What about the rest of the world..if we don’t wear sheitels or burqas or conform to some mans standards we will all burn in hell? God gave us free will and most importantly all God asks is for us to be good souls on earth..we all have a journey and Bec..now you probably see what all your journey has been about..Keep up the beautiful writing!
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btw Bec..as one fellow dead head to another..
KEEP ON TRUCKIN! (been a dead head for 37 years and have every show ever recorded so if you ever need a dose or a show…just let me know!
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steph,
friend me on facebook if you’re on there.
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Brilliant piece.
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After receiving a phone call from a member of the community in reference to this piece, I just want to put up a disclaimer. Elie Wiesel, in his book “A Jew Today” states that “the task of the writer is, after all, not to appease, or flatter, but to disturb, to warn, to question by questioning oneself.”
This is a piece of fiction. If I have lived up to Elie Wiesel’s description of a writer, then I consider myself successful.
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how do i friend you on facebook..? Friend me..i am stephanie meyer andreoni
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Rebecca,
Good writing disturbs, bus so does bad writing. We need to distinguish the good and bad by an added criteria. From my experience good writing is about accurately reflecting the human psych and struggle. Fiction is not a problem, but an inaccurate portrayal of interpersonal human behavior is. Stories that create stick-people that are neither fully dimensional nor well rounded leave us with little to think about. I felt that the ‘antagonist’ is your piece was a black and white reflection of a stereotype that theatrically dramatizes a situation that could be so much more powerful if it’s done subtly and realistically.
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Wow. My gut didn’t stop screaming, “Run!” the whole time. I am so not cut out to drink the BT Kool-Aid (any flavor). Well-written.
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oh, deadhead here, too. on fb/welcomebalance.
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Oy,
I think Emily you had a weird time. From my many and varied experiences with mashpiim they should never tell you what to do like that. I think you got the bad apple – i feel bad that you had such a negative experience
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