News Roundup – Fri. 2/5
The high priest is dead, and the nation mourns as the search for a new kohen gadol begins. The doors to the arei miklat, the cities of refuge, can now be opened. The deceased was High Priest Elazar ben Tsedaka ben Yitzhaq. He died on Thursday, and was buried on… hold it… Mount Gerizim? Sorry, wrong high priest. The Samaritan one. We apologize for the error and note this correction for the record. Nation is not in mourning. We repeat: nation is not in mourning. Please return to your daily business.
Chasidic body snatchers? Now that’s a horror film I might watch. But this was no movie. Around thirty ultra-Orthodox men snatched the body of a 25-year-old woman, who died for reasons as yet unclear, although a criminal incident was ruled out. The men were concerned that authorities would perform an autopsy, which they claim is against Jewish law. In a scene straight out of a movie, the men executed a pitch-perfect performance: the paramedic on the scene whammed in the face, the ZAKA commander beaten, and the body snatched away on a waiting stretcher with men shouting, “The daughters of Israel will not be deserted.” Remember that, daughters of Israel, and have no fear. The men of Mea Shearim will not desert you. Once you’re dead, that is.
Chasidic drivers in New Square, that idyllic and pastoral town in upstate New York, where they milk cows and grow oranges (umm, maybe not), are just as reckless as their Williamsburg counterparts. Reuven Bayer, 35, in a rush after being notified of his mother’s hospitalization, crossed over the center line of Washington Avenue, passed two vehicles stopped at a stop sign at an intersection, failed to stop at the stop sign and struck a four-year-old boy, who was crossing the street with his mother, who was pushing a baby carriage. The boy is in critical condition. We’re sorry Mr. Bayer’s mother is in the hospital. We’re less sorry for his ass being charged with assault and reckless endangerment
Sholom Rubashkin committed 86 counts of bank fraud and other charges, and thought he could get away with it. Was this guy insane? Well, so his defense team claims. They would like to have him psychiatrically evaluated before his sentencing to find any mental conditions that might mitigate his punishment. Guess the clever dude ain’t so clever after all.
Aww, ain’t this a shame? Two Kiryas Joel 15-year-olds have been charged with criminal mischief and criminal trespassing after being accused of throwing a rock through a home window Sunday night. This came after days of mayhem in which rowdy Yeshiva students overturned a vehicle outside a wedding party. But there’s gotta be some way to let bored Satmar teens let off steam. May I recommend touch football? Aroinim against Zaloinim? Just askin’.
I was gonna start with “The Rebbe made him do it,” but the Daily News already used that line. But this ain’t no joke. Eliyahu Ezagui’s defense attorneys claimed he had the “blessing” of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, to scam $2.6 million from condominium buyers and more than $10 million from banks. “It was a mitzvah to him,” said defense lawyer Susan Necheles in Brooklyn Federal Court. What’s more, “the so-called victims are sore losers.”
News Roundups appear twice weekly, on Tuesdays and Fridays. Send news tips to unpious.editor@gmail.com.
Disclaimer: Unpious.com is neither fair nor balanced. We are totally partial to snarkiness, cynicism, sarcasm, and overnight potato kugel.
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I would like to point out the eliyahu Ezagui was kinda “Off The Derech” while scamming the People in Crown Heightes living it up in Aventura, but when he got caught he became the big tzadik and grew a beard.
The same with those off the derech ex Satmars (they were from Monroe) who raped 2 girls it was in the NY Post I think about a year ago, all of the suden when they got caught the black hat goes up and the beard grows!!!
How Ironic.
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Great roundup! You’re writing is taking on a personality of it’s own. Keep it up.
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Thanks, Yonah. Sometimes I’m not sure if anyone even reads them (other articles get feedback thru comments — which these Roundups don’t generate much), so it’s good to hear.
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Your news roundups are the reason I get up every morning, Berl. Umm ok, that may be stretching the truth just a bit, but seriously, they are really informative, refreshing, and funny.
Where else would I learn about the Samaritan High Priest, or of the actors in the upcoming film Snatch 2: Zealots and Maniacs?
Keep ‘em comin’.
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I’d agree. Some days are so hectic the only news I get is through ‘unpious’. I wish it remained a daily feature. I wish too that my days wouldn’t be that hectic.
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LOL, Mar. That’s a great title! Now we only need to make the movie. (If only they allowed cameras in Mea Shearim, we’d have that to already.)
Shtreimel, are you telling me you don’t even hear mikvah news? Oy vey. Unpious can’t beat even that. Actually, we need someone to send us some really good tips “overheard in the mikveh.”
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Even though I get my daily news fron VIN I still enjoy your take it.! ( for some reason you just don’t find this kinda wit in the VIN comments section)
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Could the process for appointing a new HP go like this?
- half the Samaritans choose the oldest surviving son.
- other half find disfavor with the heir apparent (his barber’s cousin’s sister’s grocer’s brother in law once stopped to tie his shoe in front of a Conservative synagogue) and choose the son-in-law. Samaritans split into 42nd Street and 49th Street factions. Violence and enmity are the order of the day.
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as i recall, the former kohen gadol died only like five years ago. apparently the successio was pretty peaceful. apparently the samaritans also get along with both the jews and the palestinian authority. Maybe we have something to learn from them. it really is a great loss.
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