News Roundup – Tue. 2/23
I’d smash a ten-year-old crappy Toshiba too, if I had one. But these people turned it into a religious ceremony. In a clip posted on YouTube, a rabbi holds an old Toshiba laptop and very ceremoniously announces his intention to smash it. Afterwards, it is very unceremoniously dumped into a trash can as the assembled gather for a festive meal. “Hevre, efshar lakahat halakim lizrok!” That’s a funny-ass sefardi dude.
Forgive us if we don’t share her taste in headscarves, but this is one alteh babeh that had it made. Yitta Schwartz, a grandmother from Kiryas Joel who died last week at 93, had more than 2,000 descendants. And all of them, down to the last one, loved her chocolate babka and napoleons. Not a single one of them ever complained the babka was too chocolaty, or the napoleon too gooey. Yup, that’s yiddish nachas. We at Unpious only have grandmothers whose chocolate babkas suck, the direct cause of our anger and resentment. See the pattern? Grandmothers, don’t say we haven’t warned you.
Lady, if you don’t like my BO, sorry, you’ll just have to get a different seat. But if it’s my scraggly beard you take offense to, well, I have just the right thing for you. Er, well, it’s really for Orthodox Jews who don’t want to look at you, but it works just as well the other way around. The Rabbinical Council for Public Transportation is now advertising portable mechitzas that allow one to create a protective shield around an airplaine seat. Says Rabbi Shimon Stern, spokesperson for the council: “They’re very cute.”
Beards are a funny thing. No, really, they are, especially when they’re half ripped off. But apparently one Chasid didn’t find a cop’s attempt at humor quite so hilarious, and earned himself a fat $75,000 for the botched makeover. Chaim Appel, 41, claims an NYPD cop tore off parts of his beard while putting him in cuffs at the Arthur Schick riots in April, 2006. Appel sued the NYPD and won, and is now looking forward to buying 75 bugaboo baby strollers.
Remember that farfrimte bucher in Yeshiva who spent an hour doing hachunes to purify his body for shachris? It has an official name now: OCD. A cadre of so-called mental health professionals have conspired to tarnish the image of all those hand-washing, mikva-toiveling, tizkeru-repeating, lulav-measuring, tefilin-in-the-mirror-checking dedicates by slamming them with a mental health disorder. Afra l’pumam.
Rabbi Milton Balkany, the dean of the Bais Yaakov school in Borough Park, has been charged with criminal wrongdoing. Again. The very distinguished-looking rabbi seems baffled. Wire fraud, extortion, blackmail and making false statements are not the stuff rabbis engage in, so he’s not sure why prosecutors are targeting him. “Ridiculous,” he said after Thurday’s hearing in a string of words we didn’t catch except this one. Like, whatever.
We at Unpious are against the death penalty in all cases, and Martin Grossman’s case is no exception. And we find the entire sordid ordeal sickening, both the murder, the penalty, and the outcry by religious hypocrites. But of course, the achdus was beautiful. If it takes two dead people to allow the Orthodox world to show its unity, well, who ever said PR comes cheap?
News Roundups appear twice weekly, on Tuesdays and Fridays. Send news tips to unpious.editor@gmail.com.
Disclaimer: Unpious.com is neither fair nor balanced. We are totally partial to snarkiness, cynicism, sarcasm, and Mom’s Knishes (remember those?).
Printable Version
Only a old Toshiba? I thought it was a very new Acer Aspire!
Like this comment?
0
Re Toshiba: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qWhYlhfWCI
For comical and entertainment purposes only.
Like this comment?
0
Never in my life was I more proud of my heritage than when I watched that clip. It exemplifies the age old Jewish characteristics of heroism and bravery. We can beat up computers all right. There should be an animal planet show “Jew vs Laptop”. To make it sound authentic, the laptop should win once in a while too. It would be quite a sight to see the brave boys run if the laptop fights back.
Like this comment?
1
I know how important stories about rabbis and tax evasion are, however I wonder if any of the traitors are Unpious have ever checked on the moral fiber of professors and scientists – like Amy Bishop who gunned down a room full of her colleagues a few days ago.
http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/view.bg?articleid=1232943&format&page=1&listingType=Loc
Don’t forget that she also killed her brother about twenty years ago – by “accident” LOL.
Keep hammering away at all those evil rabbis who bounce checks and so on. Shame! But maybe take a look at what exactly scientists are up to once in a while.
Like this comment?
0
You’re out of you’re mind, Stien. Scientists don’t claim to be the guardians of morality and ethics.
Like this comment?
1
That computer-trashing was serious? Well-meaning people give tzedakah to support people who don’t work and then desecrate tools that decent people use to create and produce? This is a shandeh and I’m not kidding. And it’s not a 10-year old Toshiba. It’s a current model.
Like this comment?
0
> Keep hammering away at all those evil rabbis who bounce checks and so on. Shame! But maybe take a look at what exactly scientists are up to once in a while.
When someone like Amy Bishop commits a horrific and tragic crime, scientists recognize and concede it.
When frum people commit crimes, the community circles the wagons and pretends nothing happened (name your sexual predator), questions the motivations of the accusers (name your business cheat) or invent magical tales of teshuvah and personal transformation (name your recidivist cop-killer).
Like this comment?
0
Stein, just wondering, did you too find the show of achdus inspiring? Just curious, seeing as, you know, the Jews aren’t really your people and all…
Like this comment?
0
In regards to the Martin Grossman case, I find the haimishe olim’s fascination and obsession absurd.
The “Kol Mevaser Hotline had an interview with a frum chaplain who was there during the execusion.
Yo yo, vi es goyished zich, azoi yidished zich.
Like this comment?
0
HT: As I alluded to on Hedyot’s blog, the Grossman thing is likely a ploy againt Gov. Crist by the Rubio campaign. Very clever on their part: Refuse clemency and he’s a heartless, anti-Semitic bastard. Grant clemency and he’s soft on cop-killers. For Crist, a no-win. For Rubio, a no-lose.
Like this comment?
0
best. news roundup. ever.
Like this comment?
0
Thanks, Emily!
Our News Roundups are designed to give you all the news you’ll ever need along with our incisive analysis. You should never have to open a newspaper again. If it’s not in Unpious’s News Roundups, it ain’t important wasting your time on.
Like this comment?
1
“Scientists don’t claim to be the guardians of morality and ethics.”
Do rabbis claim to be paragons of virtue? Any quotes on that?
“When someone like Amy Bishop commits a horrific and tragic crime, scientists recognize and concede it.”
So scientists just kill people, but they’re really honest about everything. Sure, I believe that. By the way, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you for a special discount price.
“Just curious, seeing as, you know, the Jews aren’t really your people and all…”
So the traitors at Unpious subscribe to the racial theory of Judaism, besides rabbi bashing. You might want to check out Stormfront. http://www.stormfront.org/forum/ Maybe do some joint ventures or something.
Like this comment?
0
jacob, 2 wrongs doesnt make 1 right, if a scientist kills somebody he/she becomes a murderer, if a scientist commits fraud he/she is a swindler, if a scientist molests young children he/she is a child molester/sex offender.
but for hassidim when someone does any of these it gets a different name “NIRDAF”… oh.. and the government officials related to such a case become “antisemites” or “heartless bastards” who are just looking to falsely accuse rabbis of things they’venever done just because they’re rabbis.
Like this comment?
0
“Do rabbis claim to be paragons of virtue? Any quotes on that?”
Again, are you insane Stien? Do I need a specific quote that states that the pope is the head of the Catholic religion? The Rabbi is expected to live up to a higher standard than the scientist, because of the nature of his vocation. The basic function of a Rabbi is to teach, preach, and guard, that the ethics, rules, laws, and morals of Judaism should be kept and adhered to. The Rabbi is seen as a model of consistency, whose life and mannerisms are a living example of how a Jew is supposed to live. The scientist is not, and was never intended to be, a moral role model.
Like this comment?
1
Stein — If your conception of “traitor” is taking a stance against the crowd, then yes, we’re traitors and proud of it. Maybe we’ll even rename the site to “Traitors.” We’ll turn it into a mark of distinction, you’ll want to eat your words.
I for one have no loyalty to any notion of peoplehood. My only sense of loyalty is to those I am personally close to, family and friends, whether Jewish or not. It’s unfortunate I can’t say the same for my former co-religionists, who, indeed, very much do subscribe to racial theories. In that respect, your forebears and mine do have something in common. Except that I chose to give it up; you simply traded one form of xenophobia for another.
Like this comment?
3
פליז דו נאט פייד דער טרולל
DNFTT
http://en.m.wikipedia.com/wiki?search=Dnftt
Like this comment?
0
Jacob Stein
Congratulations, you’ve succeeded in your effort to show off like a moron. Thanks again for visiting and commenting on this site.
T. P.
Like this comment?
0
Jacob Stein
Congratulations, you’ve succeeded in your effort to show off “as” a moron. Thanks again for visiting and commenting on this site.
T. P.
Like this comment?
0