Silence
It was on the last night that I went to visit. They were getting up from shiva the next day. I nodded my head at her mother who was sitting in the kitchen talking to some women while well-meaning relatives prepared trays of food for the mourners. I turned sideways to avoid hitting the tables with the tzedaka bekelech that some thoughtful person had set up. I passed the large dining room, table shoved up against the furniture to make room for all the chairs that Misaskim had provided. I waited modestly at the side, allowing some men to push themselves into the already crowded room.
I passed the room where her sisters were sitting, all on low chairs wearing identical turbans in different colors. One of them was nursing an infant while another was on the phone. All were chatting gaily, surrounded by friends and relatives. Random snippets of conversation reached my ears as I looked around the room for a friendly face. Candles on a corner table, covered mirrors and the appropriately placed tissue boxes completed the picture of dutiful mourning. Somewhere in the men’s section, there was surely a sign-up sheet of mishnayos circulating among all those interested. The door kept on opening to admit a fresh a batch of visitors, a silent signal of dismissal for those itching to leave. Somewhere I heard a cell phone ring and after a while one of her brothers peeked into the room and said, “Shh, maariv”. One of the older women got up to leave and murmured hamokom yenachem while donning her fur-lined jacket.
I stayed the appropriate amount of time and left without speaking to anyone. No one had acknowledged my presence, none of the visitors had acknowledged her death and none of her family had acknowledged her existence.
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So sad & so true but how can we disallow it so as it NOT be so ?
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Chilling.
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No Pun intended and I like most of the posts here, but Mendy how do people react in a Reform Jewish Shiva calls?.
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“Vayidom Aharon”. And Aaron stood silent (Vayikrah 10:3).
The presence of the people in the room, the objects, the rituals were ALL acknowledgements of her death, and by extension, her existence.
The silence is our acknowledgement that we just don’t know what to do at awful (and awesome) moments like this.
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“No-one had acknowledged my presence, her death or her existence” – That is beyond all human experience and brings out the banality of it all. C H I L L I N G
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BSM – Aaron was silent even though he had what to say ! These people r silent because they have nothing to say, which is way, way better than the obscene comments of the TB “lifnei mitasah !
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BSM – yadeinu lo shofchu … is admition of guilt !
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what is this essay all about?
absolutely did not get the point
please elaborate
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I’m not sure if I’m getting the point.
Is it?
A) People just going through the motions instead of mourning the loss.
B)) No one acknowledging the visitor for she wasn’t religious.
C) No one acknowledging the deceased for she wasn’t religious.
D) None of the above.
I’ve never had a similar Shiva call experience (also never been at a shiva call where I only knew the deceased but non of the family, if that was the case here).
Care to explain?
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MC:
Do you see this essay as being about any shivah or about someone specific (ie, Ruchy, who I did not know, but whose loss left me both sad and speechless)? Either way, and notwithstanding people’s failings, give them some credit. And what does TB stand for?
Chana:
המקום ינחם אתכן…
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BSM – It’s just a story. The author doesn’t make it clear but I wouldn’t presume it’s about any one specific case people here would know about — and certainly any presumption that this is somehow connected to recent actual events, IMO, is missing the point — not to mention somewhat inappropriate.
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“Some are driven away by edicts, others by silence.”
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I understand how you feel.
But…
1. In general Chassidim avoid being morbid in public during shiva. Many try to put on a cheerful front. (Maybe this reflects the Chassidishe stress on simchah, and even in unhappy situations to avoid atzvus.)
2, Frum people don’t usually socialize during shiva calls. Even those who know each other keep quiet.
3. I believe the minhag is not to speak to the avel until he or she speaks to you.
4. No doubt this was a particularly terrible shiva for this unfortunate family, and it is not surprising if they didn’t want to express their feelings in public.
So please — “don es kol ha-adam le-khaf zekhus.”
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Ok, due to the overwhelming response of emails on this subject:
1-This is not about Ruchy Nove. I did not know her. I think it’s tragic that such a young life was lost, and it would be incredibly insensitive of me to write such a piece alluding to her and her family.
2-This is about a particular family who disowned their child, would not acknowledge her existence while she was alive and would only dutifully mourn her death (as required by Jewish law).
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Chana – the strenght of your writing overides any family’s particular experience and the message is universally loud & clear. It’s poignant & chilling and invites introspection .
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Thanks, MC, for your kind words.
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Ruchy worked for Ohel/Bais Ezra, so my son and I had several occasions to meet with her. She was a thoughtful, kind, patient and compassionate woman – she cared… Hopefully members of her family can reflect on who she was and how great their loss is… Parents don’t just “go on” after they’ve lost a child, they will live with the pain of having not been able to help her. Only they know how they could or should have been there for Ruchy… Guilt is a natural phenomenon of loss… May her shortened life inspire each of us to look close at her sterling middot, and improve ourselves…
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when a child betrays the thing you think is most important in the world how do you expect the family to react.
true betrayal creates distance. both ways. we reject them for not agreeing with us. and they reject us for not agreeing with them.
no biggie. pretty normal, actually.
its a reality. not a nice one, but reality none the less.
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