Dramatic musical opening. Enthusiastic applause. Host appears.

Thank you, thank you. Ahem. Ok, folks. Thank you. Settle down. Thank you. Ahem. Ok. I love you too. Thank you.

The United Nations Election Monitoring Committee just finished counting the votes. Ok, that’s not entirely true. They might be counting votes somewhere, but not for us. When we called, a U.N. representative said, “Huh?” and hung up the phone. Anyway, they would’ve insisted on really fair voting practices, and we at Unpious take pride in being unfair and unbalanced. So screw them. Besides, we’re not electing Hamid Karzai here.

But the votes are in, counted by the tireless efforts of a special committee at Unpious.com’s headquarters. And the winner is….

Tearing open the envelope…

Oops, it fell on the floor…

Ok, here we are… oops, it’s upside down… [chuckle, chuckle]

Ok, here goes…

Oh, sorry, this is my cable bill…

Where did it I put it…?

Oh, I was sitting on it… Ok, got it now…

And the grand prize winner is:

A Clear Mind

by Isha Yefastoar

Drumroll!

Our second prize winner is:

Faking It: (“O’ God”)

by Tzippi Langstrumpf

And very honorable mention (and, as it happens, the judges’ favorite) goes to:

A Steady Mourning

By Eli Szendrowitz

Thank you to all contestants, readers, and voters. It is now exactly one month since we launched this website, and it’s been really exciting. You’ve all helped make Unpious.com what it is, and we hope you will continue to support it.

A very special thank you to our dear friend, the anonymous sponsor of this contest. (You know who you are.) Dude, we couldn’t do it without you. [Big hug.] Can you hand me your pipe? [Deep inhale.] Fuckin’ A, man, [Holding breath.] This shit… [holding breath...]  is awesome… [Slow exhale...] In the grand scheme scheme of things, you know, the icebox rests on the cake. Awesome colors, man. I think I see God.

Special Announcement:

The fun is not over! We hope to announce another contest in the coming days. We’ve learnt from this experience, and we hope to make future contests even better than this one. We hope you will keep sending in those great submissions. If you haven’t submitted yet, now would be a great time to start.

Till next time.

Your very unpious friends,

Hasidic Rebel and Shtreimel