My Mind’s Shadow
As a child, I was told that God is everywhere. And I would always ask myself, “Is He in the bathroom too?” According to my parents, the bathroom was an impure place, tumeh, a place where one’s most private body parts are exposed, the only walls in the house that ever saw a fully naked body. Well, if God is holy, would He be in the bathroom?
I never got an answer, perhaps because I never asked it out loud. Now, fifteen years later, I feel like I know the answer.
I spent most of my life trying to satisfy the God who shadowed me everywhere. If He didn’t follow me into the bathroom, He was waiting right there when I came out. And I noticed it. I felt it. He always knew what I was up to. He was with me in shul while trying to concentrate on the davening. He was with me at breakfast. He came to bed with me at night, and was even with me in my dreams. He never intervened though, he just stood there and watched. The most He would do, when I wasn’t conscious of His presence, was tap me on the shoulder, and when I’d turn around he’d give me that sadistic wink, as if to say, “I’m still here, buddy.” Wink.
Fuck off, I’d wanted to say. When I wasn’t too scared of Him.
Two years ago, still married and living with my then-wife and kids in Monsey, NY, I decided I needed to get away from God. I wanted no sign of Him, no shul, no hats and beards, no mezuzahs, and no negel vasser at my bedside. I hopped into my car and drove for five days. Destination: Sin City.
What happens in Vegas, of course, stays in Vegas. But I hoped that what happens in Monsey, stays in Monsey too. Especially God. I didn’t plan on taking Him with me, and I hoped He wasn’t going to tag along uninvited.
It was a Friday in June when I arrived in Las Vegas. At my hotel on the strip I started to unpack. I deliberately didn’t bring any white shirts, or any of my other Chasidic clothing; I didn’t bring anything that would remind me of God. I tried to tell myself, “It’s Friday, just a regular day,” and blocked out the thought of it being Erev Shabbos. I browsed the web and made my plans for the night. I really wanted to see the fountains at the Bellagio from the movie Ocean’s Eleven, and of course the strip clubs. Applying the bathroom logic, I was pretty sure a strip club would be Godproof. There would be naked women there; it seemed like a safe place.
I finished planning, and headed for the door.
It was already dark out, and as I stepped outside I felt I wasn’t alone. He was there, with me. He’d been hiding somewhere in my mind during the entire trip from New York, quietly tagging along without saying a word. If I knew he’d been following me I wouldn’t have come in the first place. Cunning bastard. Letting me come all the way to Vegas, waiting for me to unpack, make my plans, tuck in my beard, hide my payess under my baseball cap, and then reveal himself. Fucking psychopath.
But it was just that sadistic wink again, no intervention. I decided to ignore him. He came along to the casino, to the clubs, on my prowls along the strip. I seemed to forget about him in the strip club, perhaps He took off for a bit without me noticing, but He was definitely there when I left.
I began to feel anxious. Vegas wasn’t a good place to piss off God. What if he decided to kill me right then and there? A car accident, a freak fall from the balcony of my hotel room, or drowning me in the pool. Everyone would know I was in Vegas. I felt like scolding Him, now convinced that he might actually have something like that up his sleeve. “Uncool,” I wanted to tell him. “Really uncool.” He might’ve thought it would be funny; a prank He would pull on me, so He could laugh and laugh. I knew I had to give in, keep him happy.
I googled the nearest Chabad House and memorized the directions. “Tomorrow I’ll go to shul,” I decided. The Chabad House didn’t seem far, so I figured I’ll just walk there.
I awoke around noon. It was 105 degrees outside, with the temperature rising, and I soon noticed that I made a terrible mistake. The Chabad House was a little farther than it looked on the screen. It took me half an hour to realize it. I’d estimated (based on the small-ish map on my computer monitor) a twenty minute walk, but when I stopped someone for directions and asked how long it would take to get there, I was told I had another hour and a half to go. I’d come this far, though, prepared to appease God, make Him get off my back for just a bit. And I really couldn’t risk pissing him off now. I kept walking and trudged two hours in the desert heat in a polo and shorts.
I arrived there sunburnt, dehydrated, and ravishingly hungry. The prayers were over, and so was the meal. The rabbi was clearing the tables and welcomed me with a warm “Good Shabbos.” He prepared an entire meal for me, and asked where I was from. “New York,” I said, trying to keep it vague. He realized I didn’t intend to share much, and he left me alone.
I finished my meal, satiated and restful. But I was angry now. Fucking pissed. He’d tricked me! He knew how far the shul was, but didn’t say shit! He didn’t care about my sunburn, He didn’t care about my thirst, He didn’t care about any of it. If he really was so powerful, He could’ve done something. Hell, he could’ve given me kfitzas haderech, or sent an angel – or a rock – to bring me water. But He just didn’t give a shit.
That’s when it hit me. “He never intervenes! Why do I keep on trying to please Him?” If he did exist, he was certainly intent on not showing it. I began to doubt my sanity.
I stormed out of the Chabad House and hailed a cab. “The Mirage!” I almost yelled. I tried to yell louder than God, who was still right next to me in the cab. Although He wasn’t yelling back. Maybe I wished to hear him yell. One-way yelling didn’t feel satisfying. He just sat there, it seemed, with a self-satisfied, almost expressionless look, as if to say, “Did I say something?”
He still accompanied me to the parties that day, but I ignored him. Even now, He still comes with me wherever I go, but I’ve learnt to ignore Him. He stands over me having sex with my shiksa girlfriend, and He even gets into my bacon-egg-and-cheese sandwiches. I still ignore Him and hope that some day He’ll give up.
But yes, He is everywhere, of course, always shadowing me, always the pesky tag-along who doesn’t seem to have an opinion, just there to annoy me. He’s there all the time. Even when I’m asleep. Or in the bathroom.
Printable Version
Wow! what a story. Really brings the point of Yonah across.
Chassidim say in the name of the holy Rizhiner, that until a yid eats chumets in pesach he’s still connected.
Your opportunity to tell Him good riddance is around the corner.
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Great, fun post!
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Auslander would be proud.
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Auslander would be very very inspired!
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Gevaldig, you got a gift Luzer I prited this and will save this forever nothing explains our gilt better then this article
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hey luzer,
great writing, i can so relate.
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Auslander might be jealous!
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Auslander would tell his fellow Monsier,SHAME ON YOU! For stealing my idea and if you do atleast write a half decent pc….
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That’s hillarious stuff man! I like!
Drop the acting Luzer, take on writing!
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To all you Auslandisher chassidim, I personally appreciate this story’s being much more realist than what is IMHO Auslander’s outlandish [surrealist] style. Of course that too is of great value; but Luzer here did a great job without all that schmaltz. Keep it up Luzer, and keep it real.
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When writing a story where a god is an important character it takes an extra keenness to keep it real; to keep the god character in its place and not let take-over and be manifest almost everywhere.
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Beautifully written, fun to read. Love it!
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very nice; more, please. good to see you writing.
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Ditto to pretty much everyone else’s comments.
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Great piece!
This is why I always say whoever designed this system, a system that traps all its participants, was a genius! How else do you explain people who have left a long time ago still feel that connection, that little bit of guilt hidden deep inside, or as some would say “the pintele yid”? I don’t know if I believe in Him following us, I think it’s more so a deep routine that’s been etched into our brains from a very early age. It’s similar to not getting your coffee fix in the morning: You’re so used to it that you can’t start your day without it. Same reason why most “insiders” pray each morning, because if we didn’t we would feel as though something isn’t right. Bottom line, it’s all about us feeling good and has nothing to do with Him, IMO.
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First of all, I would like to compliment your writing skills you’ve got some talent man. God gives every person the choice to believe or not to believe. you don’t have to believe this but the reason that i believe so is that as you have learned there are four categories on this world 1. domem-rock 2. tzomeach-anything that grows 3. chai- any living thing that can walk 4. m’daber- human being. for 1 He said be what u are for 2 He said u do your duty so that 3 and 4 should live off it. for 3 and 4 he commanded you multiply so your existence stays but for the human he gave one more thing, a brain that can make choices and understand. but you still have the option to believe because if there would be no option you would not believe in God because you recognized that He is good. That is why I believe because I had one good thing from Him and that is enough for me to see that there is more i just don’t understand everything just like i don’t understand how a i-pod touch works. Regarding what you wrote about God being in the bathroom when we say God is everywhere that doesn’t mean that he is following you and walking with you it means that when he created the world and he said to the tree grow and it grew that tree is his creation its him its like you take lyrics and a tune and you create a song its your song and any remix is your song remixed only he created everything so anyone who makes the tree grow nicer is created by the knowledge that his creator gave him and in this case its God so back to you in the toilet God is with you cause your body is God his creation the food you eat which makes you grow is his creation the oxygen in that room which lets you live is God its something he created. thats my point of view again! you don’t have to believe it. its your decision. now about the vegas chabad seudah thingy, if i would be your God i would most probably do the same thing to you, reason? because you wanted to go to shul because you in your mind decided that what you did a night before was wrong and in order to make “yourself” feel better you wanted to do all that stuff in the morning. in that case i would of have done the same thing i would say NO. don’t do me bad and feel good. no stay feeling bad because i love you my creation, my son, and now that you are thinking and using your brain think why you are feeling bad because you betrayed me and when you do tshuvah he forgives you, and this is actually a chesed. again this is my point of view. peace and love y’all
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Way to go luzer! Make some use of your great talent, beautiful writeup keep on writing and put smiles on people’s faces! Mamesh “sfosayim yishak”!
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Thank you everyone for the compliments, they definitely come in handy when God is around.
@Sam W.
God isn’t, so he didn’t create, he didn’t tell, and he doesn’t want. Period. So I guess the rest of your comment can follow God to the state-of-not-being. Well, maybe not the “peace and love” part, I’m still a fan of that.
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well you cant be 100% sure of anything unless its a fact, and that what your saying my friend isn’t a fact, its an assumption of yours that your brain understands through the surroundings and the situation you are in.i wish you the best and lots of happiness
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I feel guilt, but i think it might be because the truth is that God exists.
im a bit stuck.
I find that most of my conflict might just be cos goyisch culture has affected me more than frimmer culture has.
i feel a bit like on ben peles. Korach or Moshe, its still not me in control. Which ever culture I follow, its still influencing me.
thoughts?
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Auslander watch out, there some new talent coming to town.
Luzer, I still remember sitting with you and some Yeshiva buddies in Rodney Shul in Williamsburg. And you telling us this narrative. However, back then you skipped the part about the struggle with your imaginary friend. I’m glad I finally heard the true version of the story. Well put!
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Sam, are you an author of famous books? I mean, there’s some real deep analytical philosophy you’re sheding some – very much needed – light on. I think you should write it all down for future generations, especially the part where you bring out so beautifully that you believe in god because he gave you at least one good thing, let alone the lyrics analogy and the the iPod touch , that’s a real deep one right there. Hang on to it. Tight.
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excellent piece!!!!!
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Luzer the way it looks to me you are really miserable for whatever reason, it looks like you can’t fix it, cause the life you live now is much worst then any typical shitlles person I know, you have too much guilt in yourself if you keep on thinking like this which I assume you are for a while, my advice to you is, 1)either you pop a jar of pills, or 2) jump a bridge and that should fix all your problems, and then “maybe” you will realize who god is.
P.s. I’m wondering if mr. S. From bh would read this and stop paying you what would u do then
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Jay, the anger evident in your comment, is indicative of a deep-seated frustration that has very little to do with Luzer.
While you had a valid point in that the guilt he was writing about, is most likely still haunting him on some level – you stopped making sense as soon as you started on your hate-filled rant.
His life and his choices are obviously his own. He doesn’t need his boss’s approval nor your suggestions. My ‘advice’ if he were asking for it, (which he wasn’t) would be to recognize from whence the guilt, and why it is so hard to let go. There’s this fascinating phenomenon, that in any given cult or ashram one is more likely to find a person somehow attached to the Jewish nation, than a person of any other descent. It does beg the question, what is it that they are yearning for?
My advice to you Jay? Get a grip and notice how your nasty comment did far more to harm any cause you were attempting to crusade for.
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Tsipi, ditto to most of your comment. But I wonder where the tidbit re the cults and Jews comes from? As they say on Wikipedia “citation needed”. (I have heard it mentioned by the Kiruv Clowns more than once so I wonder where it originated and how much validity it has)
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Tzippi, the thought has occurred to me that Guilt is “selected for” in the Darwinian sense to propagate the religion. Those who have it are more likely to stay in the fold.
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Jay’s recommendations for Luzer:
1. Play the guilt card some more (shitles person… whatever that means).
If this doesn’t help – obviously he’s written the piece to describe his shitty guilt – then:
2. Pop some pills!
For if even this won’t help, then beware, you will:
3. Lose your job! I know who you are and who your boss are, so BE VERY AFRAID!!!
For if your boss won’t listen to me, then I will make sure that you shall:
4. Jump a bridge!
And then? You will definitely know who god is. All jumpers find out after they land in a couple of pieces… Interestingly, until they jump he doesn’t care. Ok, will leave that for Luzer.
All this written by a brave crackhead hiding under the anonymity of the net transgressing many sins every time he connects.
Welcome to Chareidistan!
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Tzippy,
Jay’s comments are entirely part of the crusade here. It’s no mistake on his part. There are no morals governing this person. It’s Jihad.
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You experienced that feeling that God was there with you. I almost envy that. I hate to break it to you but you are a believer.
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You hailed a cab – were you carrying cash?
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csrster;
I had the same question. Maybe that’s why God let him roast in the sun…
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I think u should get some professional help and not blame god for all your problems because it want get u anywhere u will just suffer your hall life by try to push away your problems instead of helping your self
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@frend, Sam, Jay.
With “frends” like you, who needs enemies?
@csrster I guess I was carrying cash. Do you really think that’s why I burnt? That’s too harsh of a punishment.
@Leeba I never said I’m a non-believer.
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Shtreimel & Tzipi:
That thing about Jews and cults, is from the same train of thought which explains how come there is such a high percentage of Jews among Nobel prize winners compared to the actual amount of Jews on the planet.
The reason I have heard (sorry I can’t remember who says this!) is that we have a built in drive in our Neshomos, a desire to achieve, to ti oif. If it is not used in the service of Hashem it still seeks fulfilment and that is found by many in their perusal of scientific studies etc. (Either that or Jews do indeed run the world!
)
It’s the same with the seeking. We have a built in homing beacon to find meaning in life. Sure, not everybody feels it, but many do.
That said however, the story about is about somebody who can’t get rid of the guilt ingrained in him through his upbringing. Hopefully one day those feelings will draw him back, with happiness.
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Shtreimel, dunno if these are worth anything, but I was sent these links by some readers who believed your comment should be responded to.
While Jews make up less than three percent of the total American population, the Jewish membership component in many of the cults is much higher. Indeed, the Jewish membership of some groups is estimated to be as high as 30 percent.
http://www.answers.com/topic/cult
“Where Jews make up less than three percent of the U.S. population, estimates say they make up as much as 50 percent of the Unification Church. That figure may be high, but even the lowest estimates say Jews make up at least 15 percent of the Moonies. Twenty percent of Hare Krishnas may be Jews, along with possibly 30 percent of Divine Light Mission members. And almost all of them are under 30 years old.
http://www.icsahome.com/logon/elibdocview.asp?Subject=Why+Jews+Join+Cults
And then I saw the book: A Jewish Response to Cults by Gary Bretton-Granatoor who in his book addresses the well accepted phenomenon of Jews being inexplicably the most likely candidate for cult-recruitment.
Aside for these citations, I believe that sheer size of the BT movement too is quite indicative of the secular Jews’ searching for meaning. Which Baal Habos , isn’t quite explained by your ‘Darwinian-ly formed guilt-gene’. The question (which is easily answered by our belief in a neshama (a cheilik eloikei m’maal)’) can’t otherwise really be satisfactorily answered. In a Darwinian sense.
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Frummer;
According to Doctor Twersky in this month’s Country Yossi, Jews are genetically predisposed to mental disorders and neurosis.
So what does that prove?
That the Jews are Saten’s children.
Sounds crazy, and it is. As preposterous and unscientific as your assertions are.
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HT:
I can’t argue for Doctor Twerski, but perhaps a we break a few things when we have our guilt trips
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Ah! So that’s what He chose Us for! Thanx Rebbe Doktor.
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Dear Luzer I really love you and don’t know y u think that I’m an ENEMY and I don’t think that it makes a big difference if u religious or not I just want to c u an happy person and u don’t sound so. So as a good friend I advise u first stop thinking about your feelings and two go get some help
I wish U a happy and fabulous life
Your dear friend
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Your (his) Good Frend, you do that on purpose? The misspellings?
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u look like u learned in monroe yeshiva… so klien keppik trying to be coool & fest with kapel & payos & saying the F word…
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My statement of a selection aspect to guilt is addmittedly pure speculation and not really worth defending as other than that. But using the BT movement to contradict that, is like saying that the land animals return to the ocean to become the whale disproves natural selection.
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Baal, the BT movement wasn’t so much used as a contradiction as much as I was simply pointing out a phenomenon. A popular phenomenon that doesn’t in any way support your ’speculation’.
Were land animals to return to the ocean en masse, and if this phenomenon would become increasingly popular, scientist would indeed be searching for what was driving them. What they are searching for. It doesn’t disprove natural selection, it would probably be indicative of entirely different theory – but at the same time, it certainly doesn’t make the case for natural selection.
Since land animals aren’t making that return trip, and an overwhelming number of secular Jews are, there must be a reason, a scientific reason, for the why of it. Your theory of a ‘guilt gene’ leaves me wondering how such great numbers left, and how without that gene so many return.
My explanation makes sense. To me. And more than that – it is consistent.
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Frummer, there are a paltry 5 Nobel laureates in Israel (excluding those that were awarded for “peace”). This seems to indicate that being in diaspora motivates us and there is nothing intrinsically “chosen” about us.
This is borne out by Lynn 2006 who reported Ashkenazi IQ in Israel at a mere average of 103.5 (Poland for example has an average of 106).
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” Since land animals aren’t making that return trip, and an overwhelming number of secular Jews are, there must be a reason, a scientific reason, for the why of it.”
Doesn’t have to be scientific. There are plenty psychosocial explanations.
As for the *overwelming* percentage of returnees, we first need to determine how many frum people left within the past 100 years, and what percentage of those have their offspring returning today.
We also have to establish what *left* and *returned* actually means.
You might also want to examine how many lapsed Catholics are
returning to their religion, how many people are embracing Islam etc.
Then perhaps analyze the different rates of return between the Israeli- Sefardic jews, and those of the diaspora Ashkenazik Jew. (You might come to the conclusion that the sefardim have “hechere neshomes” than us..)
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Oh and you might also want to look at the pool of Bal Teshuvas and weed out those who are self-medicating on religion and ritual. You know, those social misfits and mentally deranged individuals who now finally get invited to a Friday night suada.
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Ouch, Jay!
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HT,
Since we aren’t actually doing a study here, and none of us are coming forth with the exact numbers, we can hypothesize away. I used the term ’scientific’ in the most literal sense of: proposing hypotheses as explanations of phenomena, and doing the required objective studies to arrive at an unbiased conclusion.
Since no one has done that, we are free to speculate. Of course, the fallacies of some theories are more blatantly apparent than others.
What (I think) we can agree on, is that the there is a BT movement of substantial size. Surprising only if the truth lay elsewhere.
(Oh, and you might also ask yourself why those that are self-medicating are opting for Orthodox Judaism, when there are so many other options. And as for all those that are choosing other options? Why are so many of them of Jewish descent? See?? Question is still valid.)
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Awesome article Luzer! I enjoyed.
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“Since we aren’t actually doing a study here, and none of us are coming forth with the exact numbers, we can hypothesize away”.
“Since no one has done that, we are free to speculate.”
Exactly. That was the point I was trying to make. We can speculate forever, but our biased subjective speculation is worthless.
“What (I think) we can agree on, is that the there is a BT movement of substantial size.“ Surprising only if the truth lay elsewhere.”
Really.
Do you believe in the Koran? They say that millions of people do.
“Oh, and you might also ask yourself why those that are self-medicating are opting for Orthodox Judaism, when there are so many other options. And as for all those that are choosing other options? Why are so many of them of Jewish descent? See?? Question is still valid.”
Tzippy, your contradicting yourself. Are you saying that most secular Jews who turn religious turn to Judaism, or that they turn to many other religions/ cults, ect.?
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Beautiful writing, Luzer. It’s similar to Auslander’s stories on NPR…
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HT, I was simply pointing out that a vast number of secular Jews are searching. And I’ll readily admit that I haven’t done the study nor do I know what they might be looking for. But the sheer size of the BT movement and their disproportionate percentage in cults seems to indicate that they are looking for something. Nothing contradictory about that.
(Oh, and note that a large number of BTs ain’t quite the same as a large number of Muslims. Unlike a people born to a religion, the BTs searched it out and opted for it. Which justifies my marveling at the size of the group.)
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you write well luzer .. you should go into writing .. authoring or whatever they call it
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jk, if Luzer would be able to take his editor/s along with him if he would “go into writing”, then I am with you that he should “go into writing”, but if not, then I suggest that his editor/s should “go into writing”. Wait, hasn’t his editor already “gone into writing”?
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every professional publication or newspaper or book publisher has editors .. so he will havesomeone who kashers his writing
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Ummmm, there are editors who edit, and there are editors who, let’s put it this way, do “a bit more than editing”. Just a slight suspicion of mine…
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My daer cossin R’ Luzer. Sheleta
U r so sweet.
I don’t no how in the eorld I landid on this pg.
But I enjoyd reding evry word.
I am so prowd of U. Keep it strong. Don’t give up.
If G’ dosnt why should U.
I’m a bit seprisd of that lobab rabbi, n wouild love
To have his name n number.
How come he didn’t offer you any vodka, n red bull?
But wat could we do, who knows G’ most of had
Told him not to give u.
So have a gr8 shabbos.
Ps. I hope u no that using the sheksa isn’t too much
Of an avera!
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you have been brainwashed. i was brainwashed like that too.. that kind of god does not exist the god that does exist is a cool one and he loves you he is all good he dosent expect you too prove him shit….
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Best post EVER.
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