Sholom Bayis
[First Person]
The Chanukah candles burn and sputter in the darkness, casting a warm glow around the room. They are so beautiful, slowly melting, slowly making rainbow puddles of wax. Right now, I am tied to the coffee table in the living room and so I have a pretty good view of the candles. My wrists and ankles are bound to the table legs with some sort of rope. If I really wanted to, I could probably wriggle my way out, maybe tip over the whole table in the process.
I remember a different coffee table, a different living room. It was a long time ago, and I was sitting at a class for newly married ladies. I wasn’t married yet, just engaged. But already I was important. I was part of the in-crowd, the group that was invited to hear about special topics, unique subjects that were forbidden to everyone else, even my still-looking seminary roommates. The topic was sholom bayis and the material presented was only appropriate for kallahs or married women—that’s what the flyer said. The gathering was in someone’s living room and it was filled to capacity. I was lucky to have a chair; some girls had to stand or sit on the floor.
A plump, cheery lady was in charge of the speech and she was almost yelling at us, her rapt, awed audience. She told us many secret grown-up things, most of which I have forgotten during the course of my secret grown-up life. One thing, though, I remember even now. We must be flexible in pleasing our husbands, she said. We should try to move beyond what we are comfortable with. Sometimes men will ask for things that we find strange or unpleasant and we should try to go along as best we can. Or sometimes they will ask at the wrong time, like when her husband asked for intimacy after a close friend had a tragedy. She raised her voice and lowered it; there was a sing-song quality to the way she spoke. I remember being mortified and fascinated at the same time. Why was she telling us about her personal sex life? Will she tell us more? What else did her husband ask for? What could our husbands ask for that is strange or unpleasant? We should try to acquiesce, she went on, because sholom bayis means understanding how hard it is to be a man. Never do anything against halacha, of course, chas v’sholom. But a good wife will try to please her husband and accommodate him, even if the requests seem odd or unusual.
I thought this was important. Surely, she shared something personal with us about her own relationship only because this point was so critical. Note to self: please your husband even if it takes you past your comfort zone. That is the key to sholom bayis.
It is ten years later. Sad to say, sholom bayis still eludes me. Even though I have done my best, I think, to be accommodating.
He stands over me, panting in my ear. You want this bitch, sluts like you like it this way. Am I supposed to smile? Will that make him happy? I smile. I turn my eyes away from him. I look at the candles, there are so many of them and all different colors too. He likes each of our sons to light his own menorah.
He’s pushing something into me, some sort of object, maybe a bottle or a cucumber. It feels more like a cucumber. It would be funny if it didn’t hurt so much. Rape by produce. I try to close my legs tighter but it just hurts more. I have to learn to relax and not fight it.
The curtains are open and a car drives by. His breath is hot on my face and his thrusts are now more rushed and forceful. You want this, bitch. You want people to see you, you like that. Do I? It hurts so much, I take in a sharp breath.
What if I say no? Will he be hurt? Upset? Disappointed? Will he look at those sites again and send emails to those girls? Is this against halacha? Is this what the sholom bayis lady meant? Did her husband ask for this too? Probably, he did. Because it’s hard to be a man. God, I hope the toddler doesn’t wake up and come downstairs. I don’t know how I would explain this.
He tries to kiss me. I turn away and look at the sputtering flames. I close my eyes. I know he is close to finishing. Yesterday he got upset because I accidentally said “shel Chanukah” when our nusach is to leave out the “shel” part. Why did I say it? Was it an accident or did I do it on purpose, because it fits the tune I know and because I didn’t care if it would irritate him? He yelled at me, saying I was trying to turn his children into maskilim by disrespecting his nusach. Where do you want me to come, slut? I can come on your face, or here, or here. He jams his fingers in me and twists my nipple.
He is a good man, a kind person. A good father, most of the time. He probably just doesn’t notice the tears because my eyes are still closed. I open them and blink and the tears cascade down my face. The candles are still there. Melting slowly, dying quietly, one drop at a time.
Looking back, the sholom bayis lady forgot to teach us how to say no. Some of us are slow learners and we have to figure these things out on our own. It can take ten years, maybe more.
Tomorrow we will light the candles again. And tomorrow I will say “shel Chanukah” when I sing the bracha with my children. Because that’s the way sluts like me want it said.
Printable Version
Hi again, Fruma,
I do want to say that your letter has continued to haunt me & the pain I feel for you is enormous. I truly hope that you go for some counseling (marital or sex therapy or both) in order to figure out where to go from here. You should not have to continue suffering the sexual abuse & marital rape that you are experiencing b/c this is NOT was a Jewish marriage is all about. What your husband is forcing you to do is a perverted & NOT at all condoned in our religion (despite the gemara quoted above. Also, don’t think for a minute that by you giving into his perversions he will stay commited to you & stop emailing (or cheating with) other women etc. Clearly he has no respect for you as a woman & he views you solely as an object for his needs & his desires only which is so sad & wrong. What he needs to do, is to begin focusing on your sexual pleasure as he is biblically commanded to do with the Mitzvah of Onah. It’s not all about the guy in a wholesome Jewish marriage. There is a give & take & I truly hope that you look into pursuing counseling & support to help you decide where to go from here. I will add that if you were my daughter, I would insist that you go for couples’ counseling & if your husband is not willing to change his despicable behavior then I would encourage you to leave. There is no reason to continue allowing yourself to be raped time & time again b/c as long as you allow the abuse to continue, it will-that, you can be sure. At the very least, I would recommend that you try to refrain from bringing more babies into this world b/c the more babies you have, the more complicated things will become & the harder it will be for you to ultimately end the abuse.
Hatzlacha & may you have the courage to take the bold moves that will empower you.
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Not sure I agree that the author should go to couples counseling. Where there is abuse — and here possibly rape as well — the victim needs her own therapy, to become empowered and aware, before sitting in a therapy room with the abuser/rapist….
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good point elana! individual counseling is definitely a good place to start but if the husband is generally a good man as the author states, then perhaps he will be willing to work on his marriage when he realizes that there are serious problems at least from the author’s viewpoint even if he may be fine with the marrriage since she caters to his every whim…
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My world is spinning,
In the 30 seconds that I read this I swear the room started moving.
This is a tradegy.S&M is only designed for 2 willing partners.
I think when your kalla teach told you lots of grown up things she forgot to mention that sholom bayis does not extend to rape and that if you are not comfortsble with something in sex you need to say something! You need to compromise for your family – but what he is doing is against halacha anyway, window open, light room. If we are told to not have kibbud av if our parents tell us to do something against halacha – then this surely applies to ones husband also.
By the way – 5 minutes later the room is still spinning.
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i know what u mean “g” ‘cuz this story is so horrific. S&M should NOT be happening in an Orthodox Jewish marriage even with the lights off & the window shades closed if both partners are not willing participants. i really hope that fruma will take the necessary action to protect her rights & writing about it is certainly a step in the right direction.
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not really sure what to say. I think that sex should be a holy experience,but also that games can be fun. I think that maybe the Kalla Teacher never enjoyed sex so she said that she should do these things to please her husband. could it be that some women may actually enjoy these games. Like the people remarked b4 me, S&M is for 2 willing partners. It is a game, getting away from reality. In my opinion, both partners should have pleasure and that if you are not receiving pleasure your husband is not doing what he is obligated to do for you in the ketuba. He is acting in an abusive way. Do you like him? Does he disgust you? Can you live without him? I amnot sure marriage therapy will help,either. Why do women have to be passive acceptors? women have to be coy and shy and tsenua…but if a women wants something, she is a whore or a slut…or worse yet rebelious. Good for you for opening the conversation. Strong women are frightening for men…I thinkhe could use a little of that…
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how can someone who never enjoyed sex be a kallah teacher. that’s a travesty. A hot and sizzly sex life should be the number one prerequisite for anyone who wants to pursue such a hallowed career.
Instead I fear it is a way for them to vent their unfulfilled sexual frustration on unsuspecting neophytes.
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sara, being a kallah teacher does not require one to have a hot & sizzling sex life! it’s about teaching the girls all of the laws involved with taharas hamishpacha/family purity-the laws of niddah, calculating when to expects ones period, the harchakos (extra “fences” to prevent a couple from touching one another during the niddah cycle)when to go to the mikvah after their periods, etc… there are lots of nitty gritty laws & then chumras (stringencies) which are taught. it’s not as though kallah teachers are giving tips on how to have a hot & steamy sex life. i don’t think it’s in their job description
!
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Jackie;
“Strong women are frightening for men”
Ya think?
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“sara, being a kallah teacher does not require one to have a hot & sizzling sex life! it’s about teaching the girls all of the laws involved with taharas hamishpacha”
THAT is exactly the problem! The problem is that the orthodox version of sex education is check yourself, dip in the mikvah and please your husband.
That explains why so many women are suffering in silence.
and i bet a lot of men are suffering too.
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elana, while i never took a sex ed class in my BY HS, my guess would be that in a typical public junior high or HS, it’s all about safe sex, using condoms & the like. i highly doubt the teacher goes into stressing female sexual pleasure or what have you but then again i don’t know that first hand. my point is that even non-Orthodox couples generally don’t have a class on how to have a hot & steamy sex life. i don’t think it’s limited to the Orthodox or Chassidic world. Personally i was happy to learn things along the way with together my spouse w/o requiring any classes on the topic. i do remember learning along the way that if something is unpleasurable for one of the partners, it should not be done. i guess fruma’s teacher had a different point of view.
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i wasn’t idealizing the non-jewish world… merely suggesting another area in which orthodoxy needs work
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“… there are lots of nitty gritty laws & then chumras (stringencies) which are taught. it’s not as though kallah teachers are giving tips on how to have a hot & steamy sex life. i don’t think it’s in their job description”
If sex isn’t fun, if it isn’t hot, if it doesn’t make your toes curl, if it doesn’t break down the barriers and the face you show the world like Avraham broke the idols then it isn’t holy and doesn’t lead to true Shalom Bayis.
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im just shocked that you are still subjecting yourself to this. He is obviously watching porn, and you should say no.
Dont blame your religion. This is nothing to do with yiddeshkeit, porn inspired abuse is much worse in the secular world, but for gods sake woman, get a grip and tell him to stop.
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Strong women only make weak men afraid.
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