The Dressing Room
I followed my mother around the side of the multi-family townhouse and almost slipped on the narrow, icy steps leading to the basement shop. Steadying myself, I entered a store that was almost certainly “off the books”. Racks of robes and lingerie were everywhere and crammed into an unbelievably small space. Chasidic women and teenage girls chatted and haggled, phones rang, and plastic wrapped robes rustled as women brushed by.
“Do you need something?” a large Chasidic woman asked my mother in heavily accented English. A tape measure was draped around her fleshy neck. There was no nametag, but it was clear that she worked there.
“Well, my daughter Leeba needs new bras,” my mother said matter-of-factly.
I blushed deep red. I was a Bais Yaakov girl and not used to hearing lingerie talked about openly.
“Good. What size is she?”
I felt like saying, “Hello, I’m fifteen. I’m not a child – you can ask me.” But the whole experience was intimidating, and I couldn’t muster the courage to speak.
“Approximately a B, but she should be measured.”
I looked around hoping that no one was listening to the conversation about my cup size. I was relieved to find that no one seemed to have noticed. Before I knew it, my mother was off to find some shabbos robes, and I was ushered into a make-shift dressing room where the curtain was too inadequate to offer even the illusion of privacy. Turning around, I removed my shirt. Imma was right, I thought, looking down at my bra. This thing’s getting old.
Cold hands touched my back and I nearly jumped out of my skin. A tape measure was snug around my breasts before I had a chance to figure out what was happening, and then it was over. Humiliated and feeling somewhat violated, I put my shirt back on and turned around.
A girl who looked to be a few years older than me was removing her frumpy Chasidic clothing in a dressing room across from mine. Underneath it all, she was surprisingly pretty. I watched her put on a lacy white bra and matching panties that perfectly augmented her slender body. If not for the chin length, pin straight hair and obvious lack of makeup I would have almost mistaken her for a Victoria’s Secret model.
The lady with the frigid hands and brusque manner was back. “Which do you want?” she asked me, showing me two equally drab beige bras that were apparently my size.
“Can I have what she’s wearing?” I pointed at the girl in the lacy white finery.
“She’s a kallah,” the lady scowled.
I had obviously said something wrong.
“I’ll try those.” I said, taking the beige bras from her, more in an effort to get her to go away than anything else.
As I tried on the bras, which fit well but did not excite me, I couldn’t help thinking: All those years I’d thought Chasidic women were basically asexual. It was hard to avoid that impression considering their loose, unfashionable clothes, shpitzels, and thick, seamed stockings.
This girl was so pretty underneath the trappings of religiosity. Did she know it? Was she buying her lingerie exclusively for her soon-to-be husband, or was this her sexual debut too? I felt that sexy lingerie was empowering, and I was sure that if I could get some of my own I’d feel beautiful no matter what I was wearing over it.
But now I had to consider the possibility that this girl might not see it the same way. To me, wearing sexy lingerie would feel liberating because it would be my choice. But how is sexy lingerie any different than regular clothing if it’s what you’re supposed to wear? She undoubtedly had worn a uniform while in school, weekday clothes during the week, shabbos clothes on shabbos, and perhaps a gown to a relative’s wedding.
For a kallah, there were new uniforms: a white wedding gown and matching lingerie for the sex that followed. All of it was prescribed, part of a script. All this girl had to do was play a role. Where were the choices? Did she even really know the man who would soon be her husband?
I felt nauseous, and decided that the bras would do. I got dressed and found my mother among the shabbos robes. We paid with a check made out to “Cash”, and made our way back up the slippery, narrow steps.
Printable Version
This piece made me blush deeply, as if I was there all over again. Very, very vivid. Heartbreaking.
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Beautifully depicted a very uncomfortable experience. First fittings are bound to be.
Of course it’s somewhat worse when eyes open wide and the seamstress decides that she needs to ‘customize’ the bra with ugly side seams, because a DD is just “too large” and “they don’t make it for such a small size”.
Always best when announced loudly in a crowded room. Better still when you’re 16 and you believe that you’re somehow defective.
I walked out of there strapped into something that felt like a straightjacket and looked like surgical tape. I swear minimizers were invented by a man, or a very very jealous woman.
Woah! I just reread what I wrote and I realize that apparently I was traumatized years ago, and didn’t realize it till today.
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I remember being 13/14/15 years old, standing by the ‘Kotel’ and begging from God to have a flat chest. I made so many promises to the altar. Many girls in my class needed a bra desperately, and were ashamed to ask for it. I did anything in my power to stop the growth of my breasts. (Note to those who know me; Am I living proof of the existence of god?)
Very authentic and beautifully written.
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Thank you for sharing in colorful description your experience. It has allowed me to briefly immerse into a world thickly laden with extreme polarizations and co-experience.
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And what was I supposed to tell my eleven year old daughter who looked around the room, totally perplexed.
“Mami, why all the lace, bows, ruffles and frills when no one is gonna see your bra and panties anyways?”
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Tell her what my mom told me: “A girl should always feel beautiful, for no one but herself.”
Which not only means “Do what you do for yourself only.” But also the more adult interpretation of: Pretty lingerie isn’t just for the guy who might get to peel ‘em off.
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The feelings described at the end of this piece seem contrived, or at best, are more recent feelings, certainly not the thoughts of a “Bais Yaakov girl and not used to hearing lingerie talked about openly”.
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Leeba: Are boys allowed in this post? I love the way you add color and pack a powerful “inner message” into your stories of “ordinary” life. Keep it up.
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Tzippy, that’s a very “feel good” response straight out of a “How to talk to your teenager” book. However, my daughter has enough common sense to see straight through that. She would question why a store that sells clothing would care about her emotional needs and positive self-image to such a degree.
Instead I brushed her off with “well you know, people have all sorts of mishigazen”…
Not a very wholesome response, but still the more plausible.
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Well H.T. your daughter’s hypothetical question can easily be answered by explaining that the store doesn’t care about its patron’s emotional needs. The store is an entrepreneurish institution, and their prime goal is to profit. They sell whatever people buy; if there is a demand for a product they will sell it. It’s the basics of economics. If your daughter has some of your sense she might restate the initial question: “so why do women want fancy lingerie, if no one can see it?” Tzipi’s answer doesn’t suffice. Although the concept of adoring one’s self with material things for the sake of one’s self, might have some validity. It is definitely way over the head of the ordinary 11 year old. It’s too mature of a concept for an 11 year old to understand. I would just answer “I don’t know”. Since when do parents have to know everything? There is nothing wrong with admitting not to know something. In fact I think in a sense its positive message to children that their parents are not “know all beings”. Your “mishigasen” response is in essence the same response as “I don’t know”, with an additional hiemishe twang to it. You did well.
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What about the ‘feel good’ response is implausible? Teach your daughter to always do what makes her feel good – (and learn to screw the world.) I still believe in the message and I still do that. Pretty lingerie are not reserved for ’special dates’, they’re for everyday.
I don’t think that any woman should ever wear something that doesn’t make her feel attractive. For herself. A woman who feels beautiful, feels confident, feels in control.
And as wives and mothers we can ill afford to feel otherwise.
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R&C –
Which part of ‘beauty for its own sake’ is way over the head of an 11 year old? At what age do you recommend starting to teach kids to do what they know is right without constantly needing external validation?
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RandC,
That was her question. Why is lingerie so fancy if no one sees it.
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Teach your daughter to always do what makes her feel good – (and learn to screw the world.)
Oh absolutely! But not in response to her specific question in that specific shop.
Ah and as an aside, many of us gals who dress like princesses are really only impostors. I could sleep o a thin mattress and never feel the rock, let alone the pea.
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if I lived on an island, I would never wear lace and frill. Wearing fancy lingerie does nada for my self-image. Lossing a couple of pounds does
If I tried your response, my daughter would see straight through the bulshit.
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Tzippy: “And as wives and mothers we can ill afford to feel otherwise.”
Why as wives and mothers? Why not as people?
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Oh, but it ain’ bullcrap. It’s actually something I quite believe in.
Along the lines of:
- makeup is for home use too,
- Don’t ever ever wear a ‘duster’. period.
- If the fit isn’t flattering, I don’t care about the name brand, don’t buy it.
- If you don’t like how you look in it, I don’t care about the expense, dump it. Now.
- and don’t wear underwear you don’t wanna be caught dead with. Scratch that. ALWAYS wear flattering underwear that makes you feel beautiful – even when you’ve got a couple of pounds to go to look your very best.
It’s not about vanity either. It’s about self respect and taking control of your life.
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Laura – I guess I wasn’t suspecting the guys here of trying on sexy underwear, (or if they do -of it making them feel great about themselves.)
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Ok Tzipi, let’s start from the bottom up. Clothing serves two purposes. There is the primal need for bodily covering that clothing supplies. Clothing also fulfils a secondary need; the need to gain admiration through the way we present ourselves to the outside world. We all want to look attractive and when we perceive ourselves to be attractive it has a profound effect on our psyche.
Now, wearing clothes for the sake of gaining admiration is dependent on the fact that there must be someone that would see the wearer in the adoring clothes. It would presumably bring no satisfaction to the wearer were no one to see him/her wear the clothing that are supposed to procure admiration. Nevertheless experience shows that people can and will adore themselves with garments despite the fact that they don’t expect anyone to see them. This would point to an astonishing phenomenon. People can procure admiration through themselves and within themselves by exhibiting an act that under normal circumstances would constitute the employment of an observing individual.
I’m not denying that wearing decorative clothes for the sake of one’s self is senseless and lacks stimulation. I think it’s a plausible act; I just don’t think the 11 year old understands that. To the 11 year old you wear fancy clothes when people can see you; when people don’t see you, you wear pajamas. If you want to teach the 11 year old that it’s important to do stuff for one’s own sake (I don’t know about screwing the world) than that’s fine, but I wouldn’t expect her to understand the concept.
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So women can only identify themselves as wives or mothers?
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Tzippy, what (I think) Laura is trying to say is, that if you need to feel good about yourself BECAUSE you are a wife, daughter, or mother, its no longer about yourself. Its about society, and your prescribed place in it.
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I was responding to HT. And seeing as I was talkin’ – I was apparently sharing my personal opinion. (and my professional opinion too
)
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On the subject of sexy lingerie, rumor has it that Victorias Secret pales in comparison to what goes on in the basement of Underworld Plaza.
Leeba, my kala didn’t wear white laces on her wedding day. I demand full compensation for the wrong that was done to me. I had the misfortune of seeing the beige undergarments that I was used to see in my parents laundry chute. I have been scarred for life. We need a “vidergutmachung” type organization for all those who were deprived of white lingerie on their wedding day.
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HT – that isn’t what Laura was saying at all. Laura was clearly implying that we as women can be more – or less – than wives and mothers. And she’s indeed right. (even if it had no bearing on my comment.)
As for dressing up because of our prescribed roles? I gotta disagree. Regardless of the role we play – feeling confident, and therefore in control, is important. All the more important as wife and mother – but a healthy self esteem is crucial regardless of the role we play.
Which, R&C, is something you seem to miss. For women, the way we look plays a huge part in the way we perceive ourselves. It’s the way we are wired. Being that we can do whatever it is we do out of the public eye, looking good/feeling good is just as important then too.
It isn’t about admiration from others, even though external validation always feels good. But it isn’t intrinsically necessary for a healthy self esteem. Loving yourself is.
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Tzipi- that’s exactly it, you just prooved me right. I don’t disagree with what you’re saying, but if someone as smart and intelligent as you doesn’t grasp the subtlety of the point how do you expect an 11 year old to comprehend it?
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R&C – what point was it that I was failing to grasp the subtlety of? My point is pretty basic (and was ingrained in me at that tender age. Perhaps younger.) Know your self worth, know who you are, and always do what YOU know to be necessary. At the end of the day, the only man you need to impress is the man in the mirror.
But you might be right after all… If someone as intelligent as you seems to get confused…
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Oh lord. You were ingrained to impress a man in the mirror while you project the image of a woman? That’s quite confusing for a little girl of tender age, wouldn’t you say? That explains a lot
In general I agree with the new age stuff about self worth, and so on and so forth, that you preach (although I’m shocked to hear these concepts form you; it’s not quite the toiredigeh perspective).
I have no patience to rehash my subtle point. In 2 words the point is, that it’s hard to explain to a young kid an abstract concept. Adoring one’s self for the sake of one’s self is an abstract and difficult concept for the 11 year old mind to comprehend.
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R&C –
If I’m not mistaken ואהבת לרעך כמוך would mean to love others like yourself. Self love is implied. ‘Cuz it would be kinda hard to know how to value others and to show love when we are unclear on how it feels.
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Disagree, there is nothing in that verse that implies self love. The translation of the verse to Aramaic by the sage Hillel is: מה דעלך סני לחברך לא תעביד . This simply implies, dont do onto others what you wouldnt want to be done to you. The doctrine of self love stands in direct contrast to every principle that is sanctified by classical Judaism.
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Disagree.
Since there is little ability to accomplish anything in life if we don’t believe in ourselves. But do note that self love isn’t vanity. Quite the opposite. A healthy self esteem isn’t about pride in our accomplishments (or possessions), but rather in our capabilities and in the possibility of future success. As Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski once put it so aptly: Vanity is looking back, Self-confidence is looking forward.
Side note, but an important one non-the-less, kids should be taught the importance of self-worth at a young age. Ideally by 3-5 years of age. It’s when their sense of self develops and that self perception will follow them through life. Which makes an 11 year old, and an apparently bright one at that, old enough to grasp the concept of ‘do it for yourself, because you’re special on your own’.
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Tzipi, how many times do I have to repeat it? i agree with the supremacy and importance of these qualities. You keep on restating the same principles with different terminology. I got it and I told you I agree. All Im saying is that self love in its most primitive form is quite un-toirehdig. Of course if you’re going to reupholster and redefine the term as self worth, self efficacy, self confidence, self actualization, self esteem etc. it could be reconciled with the toireh.
Of course you are also right that these values should be taught to kids at a very young age, for the reason you gave and there are others too. It’s also totally proper, and parents should be encouraged to treat their kids in that respect. “Do so and so for yourself, because you are special” All I’m saying is that an 11 year old kid can’t grasp that adoring herself with nice clothes for herself, is actually doing something for herself. She understands that she can be treated purely for the sake that she is special, but she can’t grasp the concept of wearing nice things as being a treat when no one will see it. I’m done; I cant anymore.
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Was this place Underworld Plaza? I went there once because the Not For Tourists guidebook mentioned it, and I realized it was full of frumpy beige Hasid bras. The counter ladies barely acknowledged me.
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H.C.
Nice screen name. Welcome. Is “heise” an adverb or an adjective. If its supposed to be an adjective its quite oxymoronic; I like.
Again, and I promise this is the last time I’m saying it. Of course you can teach a kid about self love. But the specific concept of looking good for herself is unobtainable and inaccessable to the 11 year old mind.
Let it fizzle already, please!
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Tzippi, of course the difference between the little young man who felt small, disappointed and insignificant when being shlepped around and measured up for his Bar Mitzvah attire, and the experience described above is huge.
To the extent that you felt compelled to assign that story to the comedy bins of ineptitude in our first interaction.
I cry multi-tiered gender inequality.
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Pen, being measured for the bar mitzvah suit was not an embarrassing experience at all. Imagine for a moment that we didn’t have the all important “chazukeh d’Ruveh” that renders every 13 year old an adult regardless if he possess the defining 2 hairs.Imagine that every kid would have to be repeatedley examined by some prick dayan for the 2 hairs. I would consider that equivalent to the pubescent girl shopping for her first bra, not being measured for a gartel.
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Pen – Actually, my initial intent was to poke fun at the likelihood that this 15 year old suddenly couldn’t help thinking: All those years I’d thought Chasidic women were basically asexual… and then This girl was so pretty underneath the trappings of religiosity. Did she know it? Was she buying her lingerie exclusively for her soon-to-be husband, or was this her sexual debut too? I felt that sexy lingerie was empowering, and I was sure that if I could get some of my own I’d feel beautiful no matter what I was wearing over it.
Seriously? At 15. When she blushed at the mention of her cup size.
But then ‘just a guy’ seemed to state that thought, albeit more gently. Which I was anonymously able to ‘like’ without offending anyone. Cuz realy, I don’t really wanna alienate everyone on this here site.
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Rupture- unlike most chasidim, I think haise is a choosid of the Shamesh, and not the rebbe
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Sara N. Its a shame you weren’t led to the basement of the store. I hear its mind boggling what goes on there. Victorias Secret supposedly get their cutting edge designs and styles from Underworld Plaza.
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R&C – Pen is refering to the similarity of the lament ‘where are the choices?’
For a kallah, there were new uniforms: a white wedding gown and matching lingerie for the sex that followed. All of it was prescribed, part of a script. All this girl had to do was play a role. Where were the choices? Did she even really know the man who would soon be her husband?
While the complaint might be valid, I didn’t believe them of a 13 year old boy, and I don’t believe these of a 15 year old girl. And Pen, sorry, but your bemoaning lack of casket choices though, was more comical than merely unlikely.
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Nah Hoez Bucher. That’s probably your jealousy misleading you.
Between you, the shamesh, the driver, the gabbay, the k’vitel shrieber, the koiysev, the sheryaim dispenser, and the whole “hoiyf” someone better get a hold of her, I hear she is hot.
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Tzipi, where can I find that lament?
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Actually, I am bemoan the lack of respect awarded to children when they deserve it, with adults speaking of them in their presence as if they are absent with disregard for their feelings.
The young man in my tale did not care about coffins, nor of a lack of choice of course not.
My point was that he was learning though. Learning that Charedi society does not function with consideration for the individual but rather for benefit the community.
And the metaphorical coffin choice dilemma is a huge one. I long to sign a donor card and I hope you do to.
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R&C its my first post on Unpious. Here
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“Of course if you’re going to reupholster and redefine the term as self worth, self efficacy, self confidence, self actualization, self esteem etc.”
RandC,
Do you have access to a Rogerian thesaurus?
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Rogerian thesaurus? Huh? What is that?
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I’m sure you know how to google
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Google won’t help. You meant Roget’s.
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Nice try Laura, but you are wrong.
I was referring to Carl Rogers.
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OK, I get it. What in my comment made you think that I used the thesaurus on it? All the selfs? All you have to do is sit into but one psychology class to hear all of these terms three million times.
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Rogerian therapy or Rogerian thesaurus? The latter doesn’t exist.
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Ok Laura, let’s try to employ some “rochel bitchu haktanu” here.
Our friend Rupture was using terminology which is, or sounds very much like Rogerian (psycho) bable. That’s why I asked him if he was using a Rogerian thesorous
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HT, I got you and my response should have answered your not so blunt question. I am a Psychology major.
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Brother, I kinda knew you were a psyche major. I recognize my peoples.
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If my writting reflects psychology it would be extremely troublesome to me. I don’t believe in psychology and I don’t aspire to be a psychologist. I used psychology only as a means to advance my carrer. You were really able to tell from my comments here that I dabbled some in psychology?
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You don’t believe in psychology? You the one who puts those Scientology posts on unpious?
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You don’t “believe” in psychology? You don’t believe in the study of the mind?
Your B F Skinner comment gave you away.
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Lemme rephrase. That’s a loaded phrase. I don’t believe in psychology as a discipline and definetley not as a science.
Me scientology?
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There were a few ads for them up above. Joke.
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I don’t believe in psychology as a discipline and definetley not as a science.
We are on the same page then.
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I think Tzippi is right on this one. You can explain to an 11 year old that somethings wear just for self-admiration, and eventhough she might not understand it, she is able to understand that other or older people look at it that way. It’s not like you’re buying the nice lingerie for her so you need to explain to her why she should wear it. And it also gives her a good perspective about the world for when she grows up.
On the other hand, if you tell her I don’t know, she might not believe you or accept it. It’s too much of a simple thing not to know the answer to. The girl knows that her mother is into clothing, like every woman is. And saying people have ‘meshigasen’ is even worse, because it gives her a wrong sense of the world-that It’s wrong to wear sexy lingerie-something that she might stay with when she gets older.
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And saying people have ‘meshigasen’ is even worse, because it gives her a wrong sense of the world-that It’s wrong to wear sexy lingerie-something that she might stay with when she gets older.
Using your line of thinking, I’m surprised most adults want to have sex, considering the warped views most of us had as kids when we first started hearing about the birds and bees.
I’m also surprised that you dont believe in the tooth fairy,that mami buys a baby in the hospital, Santa, and that if you bite your nails,a nail tree will grow in your belly.
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In response to Just A Guy, I’m sorry you feel that way. Fifteen was an odd age for me. I was struggling with a lot of different things – not the least of which was my developing body and whether I should be proud or ashamed of it. At that age I read a lot about girls from other cultures, particularly Arab ones, and the kallah I saw struck a cord. My inner dialogue certainly took longer and more confused than I described in the piece. I guess condensing it made it look somewhat contrived. Thank you for the critique.
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Hoezen T,
The things you mentioned are things that we realize when we get older that it doesn’t make sense (sex is a different story). But telling a young girl that wearing sexy lingerie is a ‘neshigaas’ she might think that way even when she gets married especially when there probably are people who think so.
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This is so well written. Thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed it.
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This piece has not the slightest bit of verisimilitude to it and is as cliched as a mishpacha piece except that mishpacha prefers not to dwell on that part of the anatomy.
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To the “women should dress beautifully all the time” posters…
If they want to. If it makes them happy. Too often it’s just a way of preying on their insecurities in order to make a buck. And the wonderful thing is, other women enforce it through vicious peer pressure which men can scarcely fathom.
The pressure to be “beautiful” can easily become pathological. For the most part it’s another commodification of women’s sexuality, a way to turn it into profits without actually delivering an orgasm. Slathering a layer of spackle and paint onto healthy skin all the time. Obsession with invisible signs that you aren’t seventeen. Foot surgery to accent the “toe cleavage”. New clothes every season whether you want them or not. Uncomfortable shoes that damage your spine and feet just so your arse will stick out properly and your legs will seem a little longer.
My wife entered Oil of Olay’s Beauty Secrets contest some time back. The fact that she did not win I can only ascribe to a Post Office malfunction. Her tip? Don’t smoke. Never wear makeup, and have at least one Chinese grandparent. So far it’s worked for her. People think she’s about fifteen years less than her actual age, and younger guys still look.
Oh yes, when we got married she wanted to get a set of women’s dress shoes. We went to a prestigious store. The salesman looked at her feet and saw she was wearing tennis shoes. He asked “Do you wear those all the time? I’m sorry. There’s nothing in this store I can sell you.” Her feet hadn’t been systematically deformed by forcing them into a hoof.
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