One Giant Leap
This essay is Part 1 of a two-part point-counterpoint series. Click here to read Part 2: Square One.
Chasidishkeit is not a way of life; it’s a way of death. It manages to take everything exciting in life – food, sex, adventure, travel – and maul it, mangle it, distort it to a point where there’s little left of their original allure. It has a particularly vicious stranglehold on sex.
In high schools across America a primordial scene is played out every day, with teenage boys and girls whooping and hollering at each other in a sexual frenzy in the hallways, cafeterias, and school yards. When school lets out, boys and girls pair off to spend the afternoon hours in their homes before their parents arrive from work. After a bit of TV and video games the clothes come off and the tongues start working their way down each other’s gullets.
For the next few hours they lay entwined, their sweaty bodies rocking back and forth in a sexual delirium. Their eyes are rolled back in the heads, only the whites showing, their brains detached from the skulls, floating somewhere off in space. When the sheigetz comes he spurts for a full ten minutes, his juices overflowing onto the sheets, down the sides of the bed and out from under the door.
Meanwhile the Chasidic yeshiva bochur, in his filthy chalatel, goes from the gemara to the lunchroom, to the dormitory, and back to the gemara. To him the world of females doesn’t exist. For all he knows his penis is there so he can recite asher yetzar and the purpose of his balls is so that he knows what a meroyach oshech is. All the while he’s shaking over the gemarah, twisting his thumb in a feverish argument, while his prostate is doing its thing, building up a cache of semen.
To relieve the sexual pressure the bochur has the mikvah. In there he can steal glances at his friend’s engorged member, the size and color of a fireman’s hose. Once in a while he gets real lucky and manages in a crowded shower to brush the back of his hand against a particularly nubile bochur’s private parts. Later that night, unable to hold it back any longer, he lets go, soiling the blanket. Afterwards he feels guilty, but for the wrong reason of zereh levatoleh. Incredibly it fails to enter his mind that he just committed the very gay act of jerking off to thoughts of his friend’s hairy ass balls.
The gemarah, the same thing that binds us for generations, is also the source of all evil in our society. It is what causes all the misery in our yeshivas. It is filled with useless information, archaic laws, and theories long proven wrong. The yeshivas use the analytical parts of it to pit brains against each other, sort of like a religious chess game.
Those who are not cut out for the Talmud are pretty much screwed. There are no other options for them – no math, no science, no political studies, no sports. In every yeshiva one can see this group of misfits walking around like zombies, wasting the best years of their lives sleeping, smoking, and beating each other off.
Even those who are good at the gemarah are in for a nasty surprise. When it’s time to look for a job they realize that the world cares very little about their gemarah skills and gitte kup. Sadly many of these gifted students end up becoming melamdim or working behind the counter in one of the numerous grocery stores in the community.
Body odor is one of the biggest no-no’s in Western society. Even the lowliest African child will come to school bathed and dressed in clean clothes. In a typical Chasidic household, on the other hand, a parent will think it no big deal if a child hasn’t showered or brushed their teeth in a few days. Yet this same parent will not hesitate to deliver two fraskes to a child who forgot to make a brocho before eating. Anyone who’s been on the Williamsburg-Boro Park bus on a hot summer day is familiar with this phenomenon. When a bunch of men get up to get off the bus, a collective stink rises from their behinds to settle in the lower stratosphere of the bus.
Why then do we stubbornly adhere to this kind of lifestyle? The answer is because of our Jew-gene. All of us – children of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob – are afflicted with this Jew-gene, which from the moment we’re born eats away at our bodies and souls, making us blind to ourselves. This is the same Jew-gene that gives us our long noses, bad teeth, and the desire to make money.
To break away from this Jew-gene, it’s not enough to take a few steps – one must make a giant leap. For a rocket to escape the pull of gravity it must put forth a tremendous force. It’s the same with the Jew-gene. To get away from it calls for a total lifestyle transformation. One must change the way one dresses, the food one eats and, most importantly, one must not continue to live in an Orthodox community.
If one has children in a yeshiva they must be yanked out and placed in a public school. Every day that one continues taking their child to cheder they might as well throw them in the back of a garbage truck when it comes around on recycling day. If it’s not possible to remove the child from yeshiva one must start a new family with a gentile woman. In this union one must have at least the same amount of children they had in their previous marriage so as to offset the damage done in life number one.
And the day will come when the Lord will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
Good evening boys and girls. And God bless.
Disclaimer: The views presented in this article are of the writer alone and do not represent the views of Unpious.com and its editors.Printable Version