Silent Voices
[Reflections]
I push my way out when the pressure in my head becomes unbearable. There are voices, but I can’t really hear them. There is a lot of piety around me in this shul. Some of it is hopeful and some of it is real, but all of it makes me feel alone. I feel like I need more space. I walk to the park. The weather is good. The people seem guilt free. I want to touch their faces. I want it to rub off on me.
Why do I go to shul? Again and again I am drawn ever hopeful towards the rapture. When I try I feel so full. But normally I feel confused and slightly lonely when I’m done. How do you do this and not feel empty?
I push my way out when the pressure in my head becomes unbearable. There are voices, but I can’t really hear them. There is a lot of hustle and bustle around me in this airport. Some of it is hopeful and some of it is real, but all of it makes me feel anxious. I feel like I need less space.
I walk to my plane. As I roll my carry-on bag down the aisle I can see that I’ll be sitting next to a woman. In my mind, I see a movie of me having sex with her in the bathroom. Mile high, baby, Mile high. I see us returning to our seats, I get silent high fives from the guys around me while she straightens her skirt, slightly flustered. We sit in embarrassed silence.
CUT
I trip over the outstretched leg of a fat guy. He yelps. I apologize. Back to reality. I ask her “May I squeeze past you?” Just trying to get to my seat. She seems repulsed by me. I can feel it. I look down. I feel down. My dream is as crumpled as the $5 bill I use to buy a shot. Even the stewardess can tell.
Maybe I’m disintegrating. I have begun to think of people only in terms of what they can do for me. Actually, it’s mainly in terms of whether they will buy whatever I’m selling and whether they’ll give me a blow job. I don’t like thinking this way. I don’t like thinking. I miss seeing people for what they bring to the world. I miss the way I was, but I don’t miss what it felt like.
I push my way out when the pressure in my head becomes unbearable. There are voices, but I can’t really hear them. There is a lot of anxiety in this house. Some of it is crippling and some of it is energizing, but all of it makes me feel undeveloped. I feel like I need to go home.
I walk to the old neighborhood. I keep my jacket collar turned up high around my neck. I’m cold. I feel alone and isolated now that I’m here. Inanimate objects are friendly. They house photoshopped memories. It was loneliness that drove me from here, and now its hauling me back. Go figure. I don’t know. The friends I have are all running from the same things. We all nurse the same wounds. Happiness? I’m not sure it even makes sense to ask the question any more. I guess I will know it when I touch it.
I head to a support group. The facilitators are nice enough — I mean, they tell the truth about a lot of stuff, but they lie about the isolation and the motivation. I feel like yelling at them. Don’t take advantage of vulnerable people just so you can exorcise your theological ghosts. Admit it, we all know plenty of chevre who make a fortune, fuck anything that moves, and keep their families. Why didn’t they advise me to do that? Why the hell is this uncertainty better than the one that I had before?
I push my way out when the pressure in my head becomes unbearable. There are voices, but I can’t really hear them. There are a lot of eager people around me in this room talking about leaving the ghetto. Some of it is pretentious and some of it is real, but all of it makes me feel that people are sheep. I feel like I need… something else right now.
I know how it feels to be off the derech and feel nothing. Again and again I am drawn ever hopeful towards the rapture. Repelled and confused when I’m done. How do you do this and not feel empty?
I look at a picture of my kids. I have it propped up on a copy of Dawkin’s “The God delusion.” I know it’s ironic, but so is my reality.
I miss them.
Somehow that seems more important than what drove me away. Was it worth it? I had a job. Still do. My wife was plain, but so is my girlfriend. Sex was boring. It still is.
I know how it feels to be inside someone and feel nothing. Her eyes turned towards mine. I am drawn ever hopeful towards the rapture. Repelled and confused when I’m done. How do you do this and not feel empty?
I push my way out of wherever I am when the pressure in my head becomes unbearable. It’s like there are voices, but I cant really hear them. I am always looking for an answer, a space, an environment. Everyone I meet seems different to me. Its like being around ghosts. CAN YOU HEAR ME? Life around me is either false or real, but nothing I have ever felt has fit me.
How do you do this and not feel empty?
Printable Version
My pulse is racing and I can’t feel the top of my head. I don’t need ‘sophisticated prose’, I was just longing for poetry.
So THANK YOU, Chossid.
And while I hate the parroted ‘Brilliant!’, I’ll say it anyway. (Besides which – I’m not parroting. And I was blown away.)
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The thing I just don’t understand is – no matter what – how do you leave your kids? Isn’t it obvious that that pain would be worse than any pleasure?
Hasidic Rebel – do you have a relationship with your kids?
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great article
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This heartbreaking, bleak, dark description of the world after the derech seems to be echoed by many. I sincerely feel for you and understand the misplacement and emptiness. I don’t mean to undermine the trauma. But I wonder why this is the trend of those wanting a life better than the stifling world of chassidus. Why is it either/or, all or nothing? Why does the wife go when the open-mindedness comes? Why do the kids go when the dinosaurs come? Why does Judaism and culture go when modernity comes? Why do we have to burn our past in order to get a future? Why is this lack of continuity encouraged, hailed, romanticized? .
You’re right that ‘throwing off the shackles’ and getting out of the ghetto has been glorified by many on the fringe. Freedom is misunderstood as funzies and experimentation, not choices and personal growth. “Leaving!” is a heroic feat of the ex-chusid but what’s in leaving but destruction? A kuntz not. I guess more education about choices is necessary. I’m always bothered that chassidim go out of that world as naked as they went in – this is not supposed to be death. How did the chassidish system convince its exilees to leave behind all that’s theirs? Why is there no kretchma, no middle path? Why is there no support group to help the parents to remain a parent, to help keep bridges, stability, connections, community, to help salvage roots, to help a guy like you retain a past that is very clearly yours and yours alone? Why is there no continuity?
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Enrapturing.
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The pain expressed isn’t in the loss or in the fact that nothing has been found. The pain expressed isn’t in the questions or in the unsatisfying answers. The pain expressed isn’t about the people, be they good or bad. The pain is an echoing silence, a longing for a grasp on the complexities of life. A longing for complexity. A longing to be enraptured, captured, held in the grip of something real.
Meaning? Understanding? Fulfillment? Do those things even exist?
It’s a human heart beating in post-apocalyptic silence. Waiting, hoping, and giving up.
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Yitzi:
“Isn’t it obvious that that pain would be worse than any pleasure?”
It isn’t obvious, and it isn’t necessarily so. One can’t generalize. Different people go through different experiences.
Which brings me to the one critique I have on this otherwise very thoughtful, very provocative piece:
“The friends I have are all running from the same things. We all nurse the same wounds.”
While it might be true for some, how can you possibly know what your friends are really running from? It’s easy to project personal feelings and experiences on to others. But I find that to be a phenomenally misguided notion.
“Hasidic Rebel – do you have a relationship with your kids?”
I’d prefer to stay away from getting too deeply into a personal discussion. But the short answer is: I do, with some of them.
As for the overall question of whether the “pain would be worse than any pleasure,” in my case I have no regrets.
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“Why is there no kretchma, no middle path? Why is thereis no support group to help the parents to remain a parent, to help keep bridges, stability, connections, community, to help salvage roots, to help a guy like you retain a past that is very clearly yours and yours alone? Why is there no continuity?”
lets bring back Warsaw of the 1930′s when families were torn yet kept intact. see those pictures of long flowing bearded rabbis mesader kedushen at secular weddings. everyone smilling. I know this is maybe a over romaticised view, but i still remember simchas years ago, when we had many cousins showing up in different garb and we were cordial and maybe even friendly. that generation is almost dead.
but let’s remember that when a person suffocates they usually thrash about fight and throwing off any yoke, percieved or real.
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Silence,
Those bearded men and snooded women of Warsaw weren’t Haredim; they were Jews. We radicalized, and still continue to radicalize. Coincidentally, contemporaneously so with our Islamic counter-religionists.
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Shpitzle — To the degree to which your generalizations might be true for some, you seem to be discounting the possibility for very valid reasons for such phenomena, be they emotional/psychological or philosophical/intellectual. Your first paragraph has a list of very valid questions, but are they questions that beg for answers, or are they asked rhetorically? (The tone suggests the latter.)
Additionally, while I agree with most of what you describe as how things should be, much of what you say is prefaced with broad generalizations about how things are.
“…seems to be echoed by many.”
“I wonder why this is the trend…”
“…glorified by many on the fringe”
Here’s a rhetorical question in response: Why must one assume that all who leave have the same motivations, the same notions of their past, present, and future, and are headed in the same direction? Our experiences and motives are as varied as our numbers. Your comment suggests that there’s some unified agenda on the part of an official body of all OTDs. Such a body doesn’t exist.
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Misyavni
I think that Hitler might have left some simple Polish and German Jews. want to come scour the small corner shuls for those blue collar simplefolk? maybe they’re our salvation?
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I think there is almost no excuse for completely abandoning or severing a relationship with ones children. Occasionally it can be for heroic reasons, occasionally there may simply be no other options, but frequently it is simply selfish.
So my original focus was wrong. Let’s not focus on pain or pleasure. Let’s focus on right or wrong. Or better yet human or sub human.
So my question to those who did is: how could you??!?
I certainly think this question is very relevant to unpious. So I ask not to insult or challenge, but to understand.
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Thank you Chossid Ex, for sharing your feelings honestly with us. I will definitely refer back to them and they will help me in making my own decisions. It also helps that I can be open with my very ehrlicher wife about these issues, thanx to us having had a “real” relationship over the years.
I want to add, that the guys that make lots of money, fuck anything that moves, and stay with their families, are you sure they are any happier than you? There might be some of them that are happy, just as there are happy and sad people in every segment of the population. But I highly doubt that it’s the tons of money and the fucking anything that moves that caused their happiness.
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“or better yet human or sub human. ”
You probably mean sub-sub-sub human, as most mammals stay with their young.
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“Let’s not focus on pain or pleasure. Let’s focus on right or wrong.”
Um… perhaps let’s not?
Seriously though, your framing in it terms of right and wrong suggests a black and white view of human experience. Even if we suppose there are absolute morals (a very big “if”) there will still be many shades of gray.
All who choose to go through this process have their reasons. Sometimes they’re hard to justify to others who just can’t possibly understand. Sometimes the person him/herself is unable to articulate the precise reasons. But I find that very rarely is it a pure act of callous selfishness.
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Yitzi: “I think there is almost no excuse for completely abandoning or severing a relationship with ones children.”
I don’t think it’s the intention of anyone who leaves the chassidic lifestyle to abandon his/her kids. Some of them are caught by surprise that this happens, but they can do nothing about it. It’s not they who want to stop seeing their kids; it’s the chassidic system that refuses to allow them the option of continuing contact.
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Ruchy — That’s a good point; was just gonna note that but you beat me to it.
Yitzy, if we are going to have this discussion, that’s a crucial aspect to consider. If indeed there are clear distinctions of right and wrong, the Chasidic community’s tendency to keep children from parents that have strayed must fall squarely in the “wrong” category. Chasidim, of course, will say, it’s not so simple, there are good reasons for keeping the children away. And that’s precisely my point. “Right and wrong” isn’t so simple.
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Whence does the community draw its right to decide between right and wrong in father / children relationships? The parents alone are to decide whether continued relations impact harm unto the children.
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Yitzi,
There is a scene in Downfall where a heartbroken Magda Goebbels, who killed her six children with her bare hands, tells Albert Speers: Without National Socialism, there is no future (for the children).
Not to compare anybody to a Nazi, I believe some OTD can identify with this anschauung.
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and there are two parents. and one belongs to the community.
There is also the law, but the law isn’t always accessible, for one, it requires a lawyer.
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(In theory, parents don’t either have a right to decide whether contact with the other parent would harm a child, in theory only a court can decide that. But that’s theory.)
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Yitzi – I have the same question. In an attempt to understand it I think of those *fathers* (moms get the cake here) that are living a double life and how much they’re with the kids. How connected can someone be to the kids if the kids grow up to be mitching frimmaks who pass on the lessons from cheider to the parents and make the isolation of the double life even lonelier?
HR – Yep, I am guilty of the unacceptable sin of noting a trend while we are really too open minded here to examine anything or make assumptions about anything – we should not, chas v’sholom, commit the horrendous sin of generalizations. Hey, transgression and rebellion run rampant here.
So I did say that there’s a general attitude about going off the derech that involves leaving all behind — which I think is the core of a lot adjustment issues. When someone says “leaving” it implies without staying married, or keeping the kids, or changing some things and keeping other. It implies complete, absolute cord-cutting. Leaving.
I’m bothered by this attitude. The voluntary surrendering of rights, territory and possession because of the attitude or belief that this is the business of leaving.
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Misyavni,
A real frum Jew is a Jew, way before he or she is human.
If via exposure to a secular parent, a child will perhaps stop being frum, he or she might as well be dead.
Would you stand by and watch your ex spouse poisoning your child?
It’s as simple as that.
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Sara — I should note that’s “legal” theory. Which has little relevance to a discussion of right and wrong.
The legal system, when it comes to family law, is a sham. Outdated laws and courts that have no clue about real-life situations.
And most of the issues that get dragged into court are due to one or both parents unable to settle things on their own in a mature way, unable to lay aside their feelings of anger and resentment and focus on the best interests of the children. And often, even with parents having the best of intentions, community, extended family, and “concerned others” get involved only to complicate situations. Almost always to the permanent detriment of the children.
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and there are two parents. and one belongs to the community.
And there is *lots* of money. And *all* of it belongs to the community.
And there are *lots* of votes for family court judge, many of them belong to the community.
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I have not noticed family court judge being a frum issue. Lately they focus on things like the board of education. But who knows with the growing OTD movement they may decide they need an ally in family court too. Or maybe, I’m just behind the times. Am I?
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The message is clear: Leaving all behind is not the solution.
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btw shpitzle kol hacavod for your all or none point.
The community is partly to blame because they don’t except partial measures. Even if all you did is wear jeans or something you’re already ois. That’s the conditioning.
Once I was so pissed off at somethign that I ran (it was shabat) and just lit match after match after match, although one thing had really nothing to do wit the other. But that was then.
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Shpitzle — Sarcasm noted.
But seriously, are you really saying you don’t understand why leaving drags with it a slew of unintended consequences? You don’t think plenty would prefer to leave with their spouses and children if it was possible?
But it seems, yet again, we’re down to semantics. “Leaving” can mean different things to different people. But even if we do take the view that it means all-out, cutting off all ties to family and community, dropping everything, what is the case you’re making against it? It leads to all these “core issues”? Well, individuals are free to make choices, and they choose those steps for various reasons. If you fail to understand it, it might just be because you haven’t sufficiently considered their motivations. You seem to be criticizing, not desiring to understand. Which is of course your right, but if you desire to make a point about it, at least consider the possibility that you’re merely projecting your own options and motivations onto others.
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Shpitzle
“How connected can someone be to the kids if the kids grow up to be mitching frimmaks who pass on the lessons from cheider to the parents and make the isolation of the double life even lonelier”
remember to add the “like father like son” part. rebellion can be hereditary. and that yingelle might be more fanatic in rebellion of his otd parents way.
Hoezen
“A real frum Jew is a Jew, way before he or she is human”
while true. we see different ways people “Jews” respond. one might sit Shiva over a son yet embrace a sibling, or the other way around. I know of a famous Rosh Yeshiva that is definitely first a Jew that introduces his rebellious son without a Kappel to any visitor as my son so and so.
another interesting phenomenon, many times it is the most fanatical or spiritual of our brethren that accept such family members. it might be their overall selflessness that comes from a disciplined way of life that allows this. or its maybe just the human spirit shining.
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“ …have not noticed family court judge being a frum issue. Lately they focus on things like the board of education”.
Sara,
What do you mean by that? Care to expand?
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If exposure to a secular parent adversely affects the religious upbringing of the children, parental rights must be weighed against the tacit prenuptial agreement to raise an Orthodox Jewish family. The ethicality of a continued relationship worked out between the parents.
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“If you fail to understand it, it might just be because you haven’t sufficiently considered their motivations. You seem to be criticizing, not desiring to understand. Which is of course your right, but if you desire to make a point about it, at least consider the possibility that you’re merely projecting your own options and motivations onto others.”
I had thought (bang) that the author of this post, who doesn’t remember happiness desired happiness, and I pointed out the reason he perhaps experiences the morbid reality instead. It was my naïve mistake to assume Chosid Ex *wants* happiness just because I do. In my subjective appreciation of happiness, among other things like kokosh and tsimring, I didn’t realize it’s just all projecting my likes and dislikes.
(There’s more sarcasm where that came from)
Your relativist views create a very open-shifting world where nothing can be judged. I don’t subscribe to such complete relativism, and I do think that quality of life for those among *us* grappling with the issues of chassidism should be improved, and I believe that part of the problem is said attitude to leaving. Furthermore, I griped about a social projection among OTDs that push each other to go off completely, so projecting my family values instead of status quo is only fair. People aren’t as independent in preferences as relativism has it.
We’ve yet to find a support group for parents in the community that want solutions for raising kids in a better environment, single ex-chasidic parents, spouses that try to make marital life work even while they stop believing, adjustment into non-chasidic Jewish-religious world, adjustment to radical Islam and/or Latter Day Saints (throwing in some relativism for ya), etc.
Most people probably don’t want to leave with family because a. The sacrifice is tremendous and b. There’s a social mood to be single and free. The latter seems especially naïve, self destructive and the nachas of some Vaad somewhere. So my comment was an articulation of this problem.
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Sara, they don’t send in their own judges as far as I know, but the judges are aware of where the votes come from.
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“How connected can someone be to the kids if the kids grow up to be mitching frimmaks who pass on the lessons from cheider to the parents and make the isolation of the double life even lonelier”
This is a very sad statement. But it need not be true.
Do I feel a sense of loneliness around my family? very often, and yet there are few other people with whom I can laugh so hard.
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Shpitzl: “We’ve yet to find a support group…”
So start one and stop complaining.
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I think that many people leave their children because they think their children will be better off. The kids won’t have to deal with mommy and daddy fighting or the separate lifestyles of their parents. If a person is leaving their children for selfish reasons, than it is most likely much better for the children. If the parent doesn’t want to be around, it will be obvious to the child. Either way, it is impossible to know peoples’ motivations and it is equally impossible to know whether the children would be better off with or without them, so I don’t see how you can possibly judge them for it.
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Hasidic Rebel – I totally agree that its the Chasidims fault. But if that is the reality a parent is dealing with I don’t see how it can be done.
And the question has nothing to do with absolute values.
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Kisatira- My point wasn’t to kvetch about the absence of support groups or anything similarly as ambitious. I was only referring out its absence to show the lack of diversity in ways people rebel. I think the subject of what may be bothering this author or others who go OTD is a very valid one, if not a very important one.
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Sarah, I can’t believe you would think it’s better for kids for a parent not to be around because he doesn’t want to. There are adults still hurting today from being abandoned by their fathers as children.
It’s unfortunate that some fathers have let their ex wives and community brainwash them (and their kids) that the kids would be better without a relationship with them.
So they disagree about religion. so what. The non custodial parent can agree to raise the children religiously (assuming that has been the status quo previously) while leading his own life too.
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Thus spoke zarathustra.
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Aubermench, what is your comment alluding to? Nietzsche interests me, so I’d like to get what you’re saying.
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Chossid Ex,
Heartbreaking. Beautifully written.
Not sure one can put an end to the pain and evil without challenging the power structure inside Chasidic (and other ultra-orthodox) communities, without challenging the role rebbes and rabbis play deciding the norm. Or, not sure one can change ultra-orthodox concepts of norm without overthrowing the power structure in favor of the current norm.
Alas, most people brought up inside ultra-orthodox communities cannot fend for their rights, cannot overcome the wounds inflicted to their egos when they were too weak to defend themselves. Most probably, the situation will continue to rot, with more misery, and loneliness and helplessness and guilt feelings–experienced by those who leave as well as those who stay but whose dear ones have left.
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Kisarta, I wasn’t saying it’s better for a parent to not be around, I was saying that if a parent has left, we have no way to know why they left or if the situation would be better or worse if they didn’t. My point was that we cannot judge people for leaving in situations like these.
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I know I’m late on this topic, but unfortunately I have no choice but to wait for the weekend due to time-constraints.
I think leaving today boils down to just that: leaving, as opposed to going somewhere. Point being, if someone were to leave because there’s something on the other side that they want to experience – something equivalent to what they have on this side on an intellectual and spiritual level, then I can see someone succeed. But if all they’re looking to do is throw off the shackles and run away from their past, then they’ll probably crash emotionally after a while. Yes, they’ll enjoy the beginning stages when they get to do everything they couldn’t before, but that wears off after a while, and then the inevitable “now what” shows up.
I can see why someone would want to leave. In many respects, life seems so much easier on the other side, and might very well be, especially on a social level. You don’t have these pre-set expectations where everyone is expected to grow up to be a certain way (more or less); they get to choose what they want to be. For example, the goal of every Chasidic parent is that their kids grow up erlich and a ben-torah. Now think about it for a second: if a child sees his parent put an emphasis on nothing else but how he dovens and learns, and then the child grows up to be mediocre in those areas, the child will automatically feel like a failure, regardless of all his other skills, talents and good nature he might poses. He failed to meet his parent’s expectations! The community is also an extremely judgmental community, making many people want to flee! It’s seems that the frummer the community the more judgmental they are. (HR, you coming from Skver would know this).
That said, I think leaving requires a tremendous amount of appeal on an intellectual level on the other side, or a tremendous amount of pain on this side. After all, by leaving, one gives up a huge part of their past, something no normal person willingly wants to go through, unless that past is truly filled with pain. Truth is, the ones who leave for the latter part shouldn’t really be put in such a position. Instead, they should be helped by the community when there’s still time.
Since no one here knows me (except for this one beyotch, who better keep his mouth shut…) I’ll tell a small personal story that really affected me. About two months into my very first job, a non-jew, with many years of experience in this particular field, said to me “You know, you’re really good at this job. I’m very impressed!”. Sounds like a silly little story; however, to me this was a turning point! Here I am, always knew that compliments are only deserving when you compete a mesechta, shcukled like a lulev in shul, or got a compliment from your rebbe, getting a compliment for something that’s so sacrilegious. It was an eye-opener! Lesson: always compliment your kids on EVERYTHING you truly believe they’re good at! Most parents think their kids are the best and the brightest. Why not tell them how you feel? You might prevent a lot of trouble with something as simple as a compliment.
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Sad.
You can try to run, but no matter how hard one tries, you keeps up. The only way in life is for you to be comfortable with who one is. Then you won’t need to run any more.
HR
Interesting how you allow “scare stories” about going OTD. What is the reason I wonder….
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Frummer — The fact that it’s cause for wonder says much about your understanding (or lack thereof) of those who leave, and your understanding of this site’s purpose in particular.
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HR
Indeed, other than what I read, I have no direct knowledge of the mindset of those who go OTD.
I was hoping you would elaborate, but I see something got in the way.
If I have to spell it out, does your allowing this article which puts OTD’s in a bad light mean that you can find yourself agreeing with the writer?
I often wonder where the authors of these pieces vanish to when the comments start coming in. There seems to be a recurring pattern here where new pen act as if the follow up discussions which they initiated never exisited.
Strange.
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you are not an ex chossid. you are a holy neshama, searching for its place. you need open arms, and a community more free than your sect was, something modern, exciting, yet spiritual and free. i suggest you really re consider your judiasm…in a different light. within the confines of halacha there is so much, just start getting back and find your way, that will be whats right for you. girls, sex, alcohol are all fun, but temporary. once you dont have them, the fun is gone. but with Torah, the light, the love, the happiness….if done correctly, will stay with you forever.
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well, im the author, so I can best comment.
This piece is about realizing that i had swapped one set of problems for another.
my goal was freedom and a pain free existence. I got neither.
Life is different now, better in some ways, worse in others.
Next piece coming soon.
CE
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Frummer — It sometimes seems a waste of time and energy to try to explain, which is why I didn’t bother. But if you sincerely want to know, I’ll try to address some of it.
Since we’re on the subject, I’ll start with a comment of yours from several days back:
“I’m sad.
When a guy’s happy with life, there’s no chance of him wanting to come back. I do wish you only happiness. I’m really sorry you had a bad experience.”
It’s presumptuous of you to think that a) people necessarily leave b/c of bad experiences, b) that OTDs are necessarily unhappy, c) that anyone wants or is interested in your patronizing expressions of sympathy.
People leave for various reasons. Sometimes it’s pain. Sometimes it’s simply that the lifestyle doesn’t fit one’s personality/interests/ambitions for the future. And sometimes it’s both. But OTDs are individuals, and your comments indicate a tendency to box all OTDs into the singular and one dimensional narrative of “painful experiences” followed by “an unfortunate decision to throw it all away,” followed by “a life of unhappiness.”
There couldn’t be a more wrong assumption. Here in NY the OTD community is quite sizable, and the motivations for leaving and the subsequent material and psychological conditions are as varied as its members.
Now to the comments on this piece:
“HR: Interesting how you allow “scare stories” about going OTD.”
Why would I not? Going OTD can be a deeply painful experiences. It can potentially involve serious material and psychological challenges. The experiences of those who end up in pain are as worthy of telling as those who end up happy.
Going OTD is not an objectively good or bad thing, IMO. It follows a need to make a drastic change in one’s life situation, for whatever reason. That change often comes with great risk, and those who choose such a path should know of the potential consequences. But more importantly, those who choose it and end up in emotionally painful situations should also know that they’re not alone. It isn’t shameful to have chosen to go OTD and then to end up in deep shit, materially, spiritually (I use that term loosely), or emotionally. These are very real issues that some OTDs go through, and there’s no point in hiding it or denying it. It doesn’t make the choice to leave of lesser value. It only highlights the reality of what such a choice entails.
“If I have to spell it out, does your allowing this article which puts OTD’s in a bad light mean that you can find yourself agreeing with the writer?”
I don’t see this piece as putting forth an argument to agree or disagree with. It is one person’s expression of a particular state of mind.
More to the point — I am quite surprised that you’d think all the pieces on this site necessarily reflect my own views. I certainly don’t agree with the author of “One Giant Leap”, to cite an extreme example, and it is why I found it appropriate to post a hastily penned “counterpoint”. (Particularly, as others pointed out, Vei Zmeer’s references to a “Jew-gene” were bordering on inflammatory. Although, in his defense, the overly hyperbolic sentiments — which seemed merely tongue-in-cheek if you asked me — should point to its intentions to provoke discussion rather than to be taken at face value.)
At another extreme, I certainly don’t agree with either of Tzippi Langstrumpf’s pieces, both of which were penned from the perspective of someone still gripped by religious and frum-think sentiments.
But varying viewpoints are what make a forum such as this one dynamic. The site’s purpose is not to promote an agenda, only to provide a platform for voices that cannot be heard elsewhere — and, peripherally, to provoke discussion on some of these issues.
Hope this clears things up a bit.
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