Blank, Blank, Blank: An Autobiography
“What if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.” - Muriel Rukeyse
One of the most painfully truthful things I have ever written is a poem called – well, I don’t want to tell you what its called, because the title itself will tell you too much about me. Let’s just say, its called, “Blank, Blank, Blank: An Autobiography”.
Not everyone who leaves the world of ultra-Orthodoxy is or considers themselves a “survivor”, but for those of us whose journeys have been complex, traumatic or dramatic, it can be very hard to tell the truth when we talk about our lives. Even when we can talk about the pain, the scars, the triumphs, we often talk about them in a careful way, smoothing down the edges, highlighting the points that might be impressive to others, avoiding those (often small or unexpected) components that hurt us to remember. The awkward moments. The humiliations. The shames.
I hate my own lack of courage, and hope one day, I will feel more free. Until then, a small offering, I give you part of the poem I mention above. This third piece is about my graduate degree, one of three major components of the woman I am today. A small morsel of truth:
Excerpt from “________, _________, _________: An Autobiography”
In a maroon frame, my graduate degree rests on my closet floor.
All those beautiful boys and girls,
their pink lips carved so deliberately.
I just wanted to lick them all, to suck them all in.
The professors told us everything,
from their shining minarets,
that I tried to scale, day after day, with ragged nails and kissing limbs.
Lucky little girl, to scrape her knees on such a wall.
Lucky little girl, her black gown hiding every scab
standing
before the choppy sea of moms and dads and roses and sunflowers and silver balloons
I crossed the stage
in silence
the name before me falling quiet,
the name behind me about to roar
If you were to write a poem, titled “__________, ___________,_____________: An Autobiography” would you be willing to fill in the three blanks with the three descriptors that are most true about your journey but most painful to claim? Share them below!
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Amazing poem. I hope we get to see the rest one day.
When you write how the last name becomes quiet and the next one begins to roar, the image is just so great and it moves so chilllingly.
Regarding a title, I once wrote personal narrative paper for school titled: Rabbis. Rifles and Revlon. Long story..
I can think of a few names, but honestly I think the best would be “Blank, Blank, Blank an Autobiography.”
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“Sex, drugs, rock and roll.” (Kidding, kidding.)
Beautiful poem. The most difficult part of sharing the most “painfully truthful things” is not necessarily the sharing itself, I find, but (as I’ve said before) finding the right words with which to share it. These things are often impossible to covey with simple words which only mean what they mean; poetry is a good vehicle, but you need to master it and hit it right on for the desired effect. It is a difficult thing to master.
The same is true for the most blissfully truthful things too, by the way. Hence the poetry of Shir Hashirim and the like.
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Thank you Sam – your praise means a lot to me.
Thank you Baal Devarim. I agree, poems are a great vehicle. When I was thinking about what I could share that would be blatantly honest, I went straight to my poems. Somehow the brokenness of the words and lines of poetry allows for an exposure that would otherwise be that much more uncomfortable.
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“Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful: An Autobiography.” You can’t blame us for taking the liberty to title yours. Its blanks beckon. I’m still working on mine. It’d be something like “Eat, Pray, and Be Married”. Well, it’s still a work in progress.
I love the way you parallel the successful, future-oriented woman with the inner little girl. You employ few words but manage flowing rhythm and vivid imagery. Be, You, Tee.
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You are too sweet Shpitzle… And of course, you describe yourself, when you say: Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful.
I can’t wait to read Eat, Pray and Be Married – I can just see Natalie Portman playing the title role in the Academy Award winning film adaptation….
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…conforming, confused, contradictory, an autobiography.
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