Shame on–whom?
The first time shame is mentioned in the Bible, is when Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden, “both naked, but they felt no shame.” Shame, a painful feeling of disgrace for having done something dishonorable or improper, is ‘first’ associated with nudity. In the Bible, there is no difference mentioned in the male or female experience of shame.
Unfortunately, this experience has not been passed down from those mythical ancestors with its egalitarianism intact. In our modern world (and in the religious world ten-fold), shame has become a heavily female burden. In secular society, women are “slut shamed.” There is no equivalent “stud shame,” or even a derogatory, shameful male version of the word ‘slut’. In the world of Orthodox Judaism, although there is plenty of shame all around, it is women who are heavily burdened with “modesty” and (all kiruv babble aside) the deep sense of shame for one’s body and sexuality and existence that extreme “modesty” fosters.
What is the anecdote for the suffocating blanket of shame our cultures want to spread over women?
Lara Logan.
Journalist Lara Logan was raped and beaten by a mob of hundreds of men in Tahrir Square, in Egypt. In our culture, women don’t go around talking about being raped. They are ashamed. And of course, that silence perpetuates the shame, because no one is talking about these issues that are happening all the time. Victims keep silent, encouraging the shaming of any woman who speaks up.
But not Lara. She’s been talking about the assault and will be featured on CBS’s 60 Minutes this Sunday, to discuss her awful experience and to raise awareness of this issue, which is often silenced in shame.
The NYTimes reports that from the hospital, Lara issued a statement that she: “suffered a brutal and sustained sexual assault and beating.” Explaining why she issued that statement, she said her statement “didn’t leave me to carry the burden alone, like my dirty little secret, something that I had to be ashamed of.”
If only all women were as brave as Lara.
What if we all told the secrets that we have hidden out of “shame”? What if every woman (and every man) would speak easily and openly about those taboos that we have experienced?
Perhaps, in the glare of a thousand eyes, shame would evaporate, and all people who suffer could speak of their suffering and get help, and perpetrators of violence and cruelty would no longer be able to hide behind the veil of self-inflicted shame that their victims protect them with. Then shame could fall on those who deserve it: the rapists, the sadists, the cruel and the perpetrators of dishonor and impropriety.
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Good piece!
I try and try – but despite my best efforts – my wife refuses to feel how Judaism (and the Gemara especially – no wonder women are kept far far away from Gemara in our circles…) is so misogynist. What can I do? Make her feel unwanted?? I feel badly for all Frum women, but I can’t become one just to feel indignity for them…
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Thanks Chay.
It’s like Plato’s Allegory of the Cave*. You can’t convince someone imprisoned their whole life in a cave, that the shadows they see are only shadows or tell them about the real objects out in the world that create those shadows. In fact, they will get angry at you if you try. They think the shadows are all there is.
Instead of trying to convince your wife that Judaism or the Gemara is misogynist, maybe introduce her to some basic feminist thought, and then let her draw her own conclusions.
Once she has some additional reference points (beyond the ones she was raised with), she may be better able to play with/understand/judge/critique different perspectives. Here’s one good resource list, and there are lots more, if you google around:
http://www.care2.com/causes/womens-rights/blog/the-feminist-summer-reading-list/
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave
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Thanks!
Giving the issue a bit more thought – I realize that this may indeed be similar to many other issues in Modern Jewish thought that we have so naturally adjusted (dare I say evolved?) over time, but we are so stuck in the feeling that “Torah True Judaism” has never changed (one of the great lies of today’s chinuch). It is so blatantly obvious that many thoughts and actions from long, long ago we simply do not keep or even hold of any more – for example forced daughter child-marriage, or animal sacrifice – ask ANY Frum Jew living today (from Neturei Karta and Satmar to LW Modern Orthodox) to really dig down deep in his beliefs – does he/she really truly wish to see the blood and guts and burning of animal sacrifice return? So in a very basic way – we are ALL kind of reformers, despite the vehement denials of our teachers. In which case – we can look at our treatment of women with our modern sensibilities in the same way. We simply gloss over the glaring wrongs of what we used to believe and accept, and we DO treat women far better today. Not to say there isn’t a ways that we still need to go…
In my personal case – my wife (and I) grew up in Modern Orthodox homes where women were encouraged – no, even expected – to go to college and reach their full potential, so maybe that’s another reason why it never bothered her so much…
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Excellent article, thank you for posting this. Shame as a consequence of rape is the INTENT. We can take away a psychopath’s power when we refuse to give them the satisfaction of being shamed. There is an some information by Thomas Scheff on shame and serial rapists here:
http://www.sociology.org/content/vol003.001/sheff.html
I quoted a different article by Scheff on my blog here:
http://bit.ly/IH8Z37
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