Advice Column
It’s All Kosher (No. 4): The Double Life Dilemma
Dear Posek,
I live a double life. Outwardly, I am a respectable Chasidic yingerman but I really don’t believe in any of the Chasidic principles. I stay Chasidic because I love my family. I know I can’t live without them but if they knew my beliefs they’d be devastated. I don’t see what good the revelation will do if I don’t plan to leave anyhow, so I hide like other Chasidic “marranos”. The double life is terribly stressful. I don’t know if I can live my entire life like this. I sneak away from my family more and more these days and I find it harder to spend time with Chasidim. I am afraid I’m drifting away. But where am I drifting to? This question keeps me awake nights.
I’m afraid my double life will explode if I don’t do something. What can I do?
Exasperated,
Modern Marrano
Dearest Marrano,
I’m sure if you’d build a hidden staircase behind your bookcase of sefarim and covertly sneak down to a cellar where all double-life marranos congregated to discuss their true beliefs, like the marranos of old, you’d be in very good and sizeable company. There are many, many Chasidic men and women like you, who struggle with the love and limitations of being part of a Chasidic family. Find comfort in your struggle by sharing your angst with them. Participate in online forums, go to Footsteps, listen to the stories of others who have families and faced similar situations. Getting to know like-minded people will help you cope emotionally and give you a better understanding of what your options are.
Think carefully about your various options. Forget the worn out either-or dichotomy of “do I stay or do I leave?” because phrasing your dilemma that way oversimplifies a very complex situation. There are many different steps you can take to improve your life without making a radical break from the community or accepting the full Chasidic Torah of ‘side-locks, socks and beard’l’. Be creative about ways to make your life better. For instance, plant seeds in different financial, professional, and social projects. Keep your life and yourself evolving. Consider attending college or pursuing your dream job. If you live in a very insular community, perhaps you can convince your family to move to a more lax neighborhood. Change your clothing or public persona gradually, while watching for reactions and knowing when to hold off before your next step. Become familiar with secular culture – its language, its literature, its entertainment, its ethics. Speak to a therapist and consult a lawyer about all of this; it can’t hurt to get professional counseling.
These steps don’t have to be the final act; they should be steps to explore and learn. Maybe you’ll find a way to build a bridge between your two worlds, or to carve out for yourself a unique niche in which you feel comfortable. As you navigate and test the boundaries, you will gain clarity about your end goal.
You also need to examine your family life, as it is being significantly hurt by the secret you keep. A secrets of this magnitude can eat away at the fabric of relationships and personal identities. In addition to the damage to your loved ones and to your bonds with them, you also face the possibility of a very messy scandal and perhaps ostracization if your family suddenly finds out about your double life. I urge you to consider volunteering some information to your wife. You were lied to all your life about religion, don’t do the same and lie to your family. You stand to lose a lot should your spouse reject you, but remember: 1) Hasidic marriages are not that easily broken, especially if you are committed to working through it. 2) Your spouse has a right to know. Easing her into the reality of your situation will help decrease the disparity between your two lives. 3) You’ll have time to prepare for the worst case scenario of divorce by retaining a lawyer before speaking to her. 4) You’ll finally give your marriage a fair chance. 5) You’ll allow all issues to come to the forefront and be addressed. 6) You’ll be relieved of the burden of the secret.
Always keep in mind that there is nothing you can do in your situation that will be pain free. You love your wife and your children, but you are afraid that they will cut you out of their lives if they found out the truth about you. Sadly, you were trapped with a gut-wrenching conundrum by the Chasidic system that marries its children at such a young age. There is nothing you can do now that is all peaches and cream or apples in honey. Remain realistic about “the outside world,” because a glamorous paradise of freedom and adventure does not exist. There is no easy escape.
Not even behind the bookcase, into the cellar.
I hope you find a way of life that gives you the happiness you deserve.
Good luck.
Posek
The Unpious Posek welcomes your queries on all matters of impiety. Send your questions to posek@unpious.com.
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He doesn’t say if he’s over Hassidism or Orthodoxy.
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wonderfull article
i can just add that i am from those modern maranos for almost 2 years i went thru a lot of pain it was very hard in the begining and also now but i must say that it really got beter i am in a much more better situation then i was in the beginning
after a few months i could’nt anymore keep it a secret from my wife and i decided to tell in what i believe i was aware of the risk i took but didn’t had a joice i was like joked and geuss what its over a year sinse i told her and i’m married and moerless happy and my wife is not a kofer but she understand my strugle and i still hope things would get better
i am writing this becuase i know that people are very afraid to talk about this to there wife but from expirience and from hearing from others in this sitation i must say that usally its more benefit then risk
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I nominate Shulem Deen, along with his co-editors, for the Nobel Peace Prize.
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I was in the closet for a long time before coming out. If I had to do it all over again, I would have come out earlier. The reality was not as bad as expected in terms of losing my relationship with my family. And the ” outside world” was not monolithic as I expected. Thus my fear that I would be moving to a world in which I did not understand was not welfounded.
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Chaim Sofek: It is so nice to hear it worked out for you opening up to your spouse. I do know of others who tried but the results were not as positive. Ultimately one has to try what he feels may work best in his case and as Rabbi Akivah said on his lovely Rachel: Yodiah Tzadik Nefesh Behemto. There are no easy answers as the posek well advised. Life has much to offer even by stying within boundries, choice of occupation, education and hobbies and Chasidic life does have benefits as well.
BTW your Yiddish Blog is very tzim zach keep it up.
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I suggest seeing a professional psychologist who can help you with both making a decision (whichever way you go) and then dealing with the consequences of that decision. This is not something you have to suffer through alone.
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As long as you’re not being true to yourself you will be unhappy. You can spend a life in misery or you can move one way or the other.
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As the Unpious Posek says, a person who thinks about a complicated problem in stark white-or-black terms is a person who isn’t giving himself many problem-solving tools or potential solutions. And it’s very, very difficult to solve a complicated problem without a lot of different tools or potential solutions to work with.
First of all, in almost all of these situations, there’s no emergency, no life-endangering circumstance, no absolutely compelling need to *rush* into any decision.
After all, we are talking about personal beliefs, and while it may be unpleasant to daven or bench when you don’t believe there’s any point to it, you’re not being forced to do something that’s physically or emotionally repulsive.
Take your time. Develop interests other than your “crisis.” Bird-watching. Chess. Baseball. Architecture. Anything. Give yourself time to think about a lot of things. Don’t shackle yourself to a deadline that doesn’t really exist.
(I sometimes wonder if I inhabit an alternate Jewish universe. I of course know that there are do-or-die hasidim among klal yisrael, but I’ve met so many hasidische families who had kids that went dati leumi or yeshivische or just generic “dati” and it really didn’t seem to be that big of a deal. I mean, the parents weren’t fantastically delighted with the kids’ decisions, but it wasn’t the end of the world.
I also have a very hard time believing some of the claims on this website that ex-hasidim are shunned or somehow looked down upon by Modern Orthodox or Conservative congregations. I mean, MAYBE it happens. Somewhere. Anything’s possible. But I’ve just *never* encountered, or even heard about, anything like that. Someone’s being a former hasid just isn’t so interesting or weird that would even be tempting as lashon harah.)
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“I also have a very hard time believing some of the claims on this website that ex-hasidim are shunned or somehow looked down upon by Modern Orthodox or Conservative congregations.”
I belong to a large Conservative shul. My family and I have been members there for eighteen years. Prior to that, I was involved in other synagogues in other cities where I lived. None were Orthodox, although I would occasionally frequent those.
I’d be interested to hear more from folks who are active in their Jewish communities, especially outside of New York, just not Orthodox.
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I should stress that by family I mean my husband and child. Not my other family, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews. Oh, they’re haupt Chassidish, alright. Wouldn’t set foot in my synagogue!
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Der Bik — I don’t think ex-hasidim are shunned by conservative congregations, it’s the orthodox congregations that are unaccepting (and I don’t refer to those extreme left wing out of town communities). I haven’t been able to get my child into any of the Orthodox schools because they don’t like me, or other parents like me who once wore the full chasidish regalia. It’s a deep-seated attitude about “modernizing” that makes them incredibly uncomfortable with us. I was told by an orthodox school principal, when I clearly did not look remotely chasidish, to send to a Chasidish school where I’d be “more in place”.
Unless Chasidim go very far to the left of the spectrum of observance, they are met with scorn and judgement. Some ex-chasidim with children however, want to remain somewhere in the orthodox sector for the sake of their kids with ultra-orthodox family.
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Der Bik —
“I also have a very hard time believing some of the claims on this website that ex-hasidim are shunned or somehow looked down upon by Modern Orthodox or Conservative congregations.”
Where was that claim made? I didn’t see it. And I don’t think that’s the case. I think there’s something else: ex-Hasidim simply have no interest in liberal Jewish communities. For understandable reasons. If they wanted religion, they would’ve stayed put. It’s not that they seek religion in a milder form; many are simply uninterested in religion altogether.
I continue to be amazed that some people are surprised by this. When a worldview of hokus pokus becomes so restrictive that it fails to enrich one’s daily life, then all hokus pokus values are rejected even the less restrictive ones. And I, frankly, find it healthier that way.
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Der Bik has the right idea-find other interests. You might even find others in the same position,who are not sure what they believe in,but have way too much invested to make a drastic move .
You have to choose your audience carefully,since going to your shul rav and asking ` What`s all this about Yehudah buying it way back ? Ehr ken yoh,ich nisht ? ` is not recommended. It helps to have a sense of humor about all this,too. Good luck,marrano.
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I agree with “our Bik”, and mainly because its not healthy to develop a nihilistic worldview around negativity and what’s “not right”.
And as our resident Poisek points out; the other side of the fence is no heaven. It might be a lot freer of restriction and expectation, but has its challenges too. On a practical level you would be swapping one lot of problems (that is at least the devil you know) with another one, while potentially losing those who are nearest ans dearest to you. This highlights the importance of not merely fleeing a restrictive situation, but also fleeing into a lifestyle that you have developed interest in.
Think about a practical situation, lets say the ability to think and speak freely. It all nice sitting about in a circle talking freely all kinds of nonsense. You have achieved you goal but have gained nothing positive and soul enriching. AND probably “literally” thrown out the baby with the bath water.
If however your were to developed an interest in Science, Archaeology, Math, Nature, Reading, History, Travel, etc. ALL of which are significantly restricted both in availability AND in discussion amongst a chassidic social circle, you have taken a positive step to an interesting and fulfilling life.
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Bishirus, you make some valid points. But I wouldn’t want to make the process so daunting, that it deters people from taking the first step. The first tiny step that feels like plunging off a cliff. And as you put out your arms and jump, you discover you have wings and you will not crash land. However, Bishirus, you touch on a seminal theme. If you are going to lay everything on the line, make it meaningful. Make it worth it. It’s the best advice I can give everyone here.
I’ve mentioned before that Elie Wiesel is one of my heroes, a man I’ve admired all my life. For obvious reasons. I’m in at that unique club I never wanted membership in, the child of two Holocaust survivors. I had the honor of interviewing the Nobel laureate years ago for a radio piece. This question is not about chassidus but the answer can apply here as well.
I asked Professor Wiesel what might seem a very trite question. But he’d already figured out our shared history. I asked, “can a person be happy after the Holocaust?” Without skipping a beat, he replied very quietly, “superficially no, profoundly yes.”
That’s all he said. Those four words. I knew EXACTLY what he meant. Elie Wiesel is very economical with words. Four words. Very prophetic, very Talmudic. Four words. You can spend a day parsing it.
Four words. Superfically no, profoundly yes. If you are going to break away and give up everything, make it profound. Make it mean something. Make it all worth it. You don’t seem to be in this category, yingerman, but I see young people leave to shoot up, to hang out in bars, to live what I see as a benign version of “Lord of the Flies.”
I know that’s the extreme, but I ask why? Go have fun, by all means. Enjoy the bounty of a free life. Go hiking, go skiing, go to plays and musicals and dances and lectures and sushi bars. Go have some fun. But make the transition mean something. Get an education, get a career.
If you are single, find that special person and create the family that is now lacking in your life. If you can’t keep the current marriage, take a break, figure out your new life, and then find someone healthy and beautiful (I’m talking more inside than outside) to laugh and live out the rest of your life.
It’s the best advice I can impart here. Don’t lead a double life. Go for it. You have one life. Maybe not but I can only go by what I see. Make it count.
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