Opinion
Just Put On a Yarmulke!
credit: knitguy
Commenter J raised the issue of what to wear when visiting religious family, on Friday’s post.
Good question.
When I used to visit my parents, my mother would throw a towel at me, if, when I sat, my skirt rode an inch up my knees. Or she’d make me button the last button on my blouse until the collar bit into my neck – or change my shirt. When I had a nose ring, she made me take that out. I don’t visit them anymore, partly for that reason. I never walked in to their home in shorts or a tanktop – I resented their unwillingness to appreciate how much of an effort I was making in my long sleeve shirts and pencil skirts.
When I visit my in-laws, I comply with a modified version of “modesty” – I put on a skirt and a shirt, but I’ll wear bare feet with sandals in the summer, short sleeves, a normal t-shirt that scoops a few inches below my collarbones. They don’t love it, but for the most part (some family members excluded), the don’t say anything to me. They don’t make me feel less than human or less welcome. Which is why we have a relationship with them.
That’s the practical. Theoretically? I’m not a huge fan of any of this. I don’t think I owe it to anyone to put on a costume when I visit them.
“But if you visited a mosque you’d dress modestly,” is the counter-argument I’m always given by religious people. I have two problems with that:
1. Visiting a cultural institution as a tourist is a very different experience than spending time with people who are supposed to be family, who you have a long-term deep relationship with. I would wear “modest” clothes to visit a mosque I wanted to see – but I would never attend weekly events at a mosque that made me dress in a way I wasn’t comfortable with.
2. That argument is almost always wielded by people who have ZERO willingness to show respect for other cultures. I find it infuriating that a guy who is willing to insult a woman by not shaking her hand, has the audacity to tell me that I need to respect HIS culture.
Finally, to address the other argument I get: “But what’s the BIG deal? How much does it really hurt you to wear long sleeves or socks?” I say – it IS a big deal. YOU made it a big deal. Do you know how big a price you (the religious community, my family) made me pay for the freedom to do these things? I’ve paid an abominable price for these simple freedoms. They are very precious to me.
What about you? How do you dress when visiting your religious family?
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Good question, and an issue that pertains to anyone whose frumkeit lies slightly to the left of his/her family.
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We humans are all so fragile…
My great-aunt & uncle were successful secular Jews (the extent of their religion was that they made a chometzdike seder on pesach and went to conservative temple on R”H). They were an extremely wealthy family (you’ll see what this is significant soon), but to their great dismay, their son became frum (chareidi) in the late 1960′s.
When they died, about 40 years later, they still hadn’t forgiven him for rejecting their values. They had forever hated the fact that he wore a beard with a yarmulka, tzitzis, etc, and found it offensive. The sight of their einiklach perpetuating that detestable spectacle was devastating (although they found the fact that those einiklach spoke Yiddish to be cute).They often said that the only condolence they had was that some of their friends had children that did (perhaps different, but equally) outlandish things to ruin their lives.
In their will they left him next to nothing, choosing, instead, to give their money to institutions that they respected and reflected their values. I wondered often why their son (my uncle) didn’t try harder to respect their views and why they didn’t agree to meet half-way.
Simple answer, I guess: When children take a different path, there is no avoiding the multiple-levels of emotional struggle that both parties face, regardless of which side of the divide we’re on. I’m sure that the % of those who deal with this well is small. I can only hope that my children don’t become fundamentalist chareidim…
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Yes, you have the right to wear anything you’d like, but when you know it brings pain to your parents, maybe offering them this compromise isn’t so terrible. There is a lot more her than just clothing. All your blogs seethe with your underlying anger and pain. In a perfect world, parents would offer their children unconditional love, yet, we as their children, often do very unlovable things. What do you think of parents who reject their chldren’s choice to become observant Jews? Then again, I know some who embrace it, even if they themselves don’t observe, and in the presence of their grandchildren, dress more modestly.
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hello how r u all my fellow brothers and sisters im STILL jewish but i really hate it i cant do anything im so locked up i wish i can change please if u can help me i hate it and want to be free please hit me up jewishfun2 at gmail thanks and waiting to hear from anyone
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Insider: ALL of my blogs seethe with anger and pain? I disagree (although your conclusion doesn’t surprise me, I understand that my secular joys and mundane activities are so offensive/frightening to many religious people they would assume there are layers of “anger and pain” coloring my life).
A LOT of my posts do reference anger and pain. That’s becuase this blog focuses on my journey out of the ultra-Orthodox community, which was made excruciatingly painful by my family and almost all other members of the ultra-Orthodox community who were involved. A not uncommon story.
Which, among other reasons, is why I don’t give a damn if my clothing choices cause those people pain.
If my parents, and their peers, were willing to show flexibility in their behavior, to stop causing their irreligious children so much pain, your argument would have more power. It’s insulting for people who refuse to care about the pain they recklessly and routinely inflict on others, start demanding that those they abuse start worrying more about THEIR feelings.
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What would you do if you went to someones house who had a NO SHOES RULE?
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FreiFem, thanks for referencing my question and writing a blog post on it. I’ve been crazy busy, it’s come to this, on our way to dropping my daughter off at college. I’ll add to this when I get home.
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