From the Archives: Sermon on the Hotline
This week, “Sermon on the Hotline” by Shulem Deen:
He loved watching his screen saver, it commemorated his most brilliant feat yet, when he had only five challahs and two packages of Flaum’s smoked fish at last year’s demonstration against the Aroinim, and the demonstrators were about to pelt him with eggs, because they mostly came for the food, and he didn’t have enough. He had to call his brother Yanky who worked at Flaum’s, whom he still wasn’t speaking to, at least not with words, since the days when they both worked for their father as carpenters (as they had liked to call themselves, although all they did was install kitchen cabinets). But he was desperate, and within minutes Yanky was there with a van full of challahs and gefilte fish. Since they weren’t speaking, they mimed.
“You’ll owe me one, you mamzer,” Yanky had mimed.
“Yeah, yeah, hock a chainik,” Yoshke mimed back. “You don’t know what means a vierdjin birt, you beheime.” For vierdjin birt Yoshke locked his fingers over his crotch. For beheime, he put up his index fingers to indicate horns.
And check out the additional gospels in the comments:
Baal Devarim: But you can’t dismiss a 2000 year mesorah on the basis of a few jokes. You imagine our Lord Jesus having an accent that marks Him as ignorant and then feel confident and smart laughing at His teachings, using Einstein Dawkins and Hitchens as a crutch.
Der Serde”hell”er Ruv: I’ll just mention a few tidbits that you might have overlooked that I think is essential to the geshichteh…Miri M. whom Yoshke is mekarev after the hidden camera incident…Governor P.P. doesnt want to get involved in the machloiykes and asks the parties to settle in a yiddishe bes din.
Misyavni: Then Yoshka said, “I got a mooshel to say.” “A young man, an artisten, was going from Greenpoint to Williamsburg when he fell into the hands of a Shomrim. He tugged on his dreadlocks, shouted chaptzem, and left him with ungebrochone beiner. A shartzes from the hood descended from the rails, and crossed the street. So too, a portrikaner from the projects went right by him. But a Satmarian, when he saw the man, he took him to his minivan. He poured shemen zayis on his wounds, fed him ibergetzoigene flounder, and offered him cold lemonaide.”
“Which of these men is the real Ahroni?”, Yoshka asked.