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Meet My Baby
Credit: Rache! Allyson
“Well, I understand your reaction,” she said to me, clearly sympathetic. “But why did you have to go as far as you did?”
I smiled to myself. As if I hadn’t heard that before.
“Why shouldn’t I go as far as I did?” I replied. “For what possible reason should I retain ideas and practices that no longer have any meaning for me?”
Once again, I was rehashing the well-worn conversation of why I chose the path I did, of discarding the religious practices of my family. And as so often occurred in these situations, the person was earnestly trying to show me how misguided my choice was.
“Yes, but it isn’t all bad,” she explained. “You need to be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater.”
Ahhhh, there we go. The baby and the bathwater. The time-honored and irresistible analogy that frum people love to pull out of their copious collection of kiruv arguments. I doubt I’ve had a single discussion on the topic of my disenfranchisement where someone didn’t remind me not to throw out that damn baby.
It’s not that I blame them. I think they’re right, actually. I wholeheartedly agree that it’s vitally important not to discard the wheat with the chaff. But when it’s all been mixed up into that one big chulent that we call Yiddishkeit, it’s hard to know what’s worth keeping and what’s not.
When people ask me what led me from the path of righteousness, I try to help them understand that there were many triggers to my religious disillusionment, ranging from unpleasant experiences in yeshiva, to being exposed to various eye-opening ideas, to meeting new kinds of people, to experiencing stifling religious dogmatism, to seeing religious corruption, to enduring religious extremism, to so many other formative, and unfortunately, often negative, experiences.
And so, when they finish hearing the story of my long and twisted journey, they invariably let out a long sigh of disappointment, look at me with pity in their eyes, and earnestly say to me, “I understand how so many of those things turned you off. I really do. But that’s not what real Yiddishkeit is about. Just because you don’t want those undesirable elements, doesn’t mean you have to get rid of everything.”
The baby and the bathwater.
In the past, the way I typically responded to this entreaty was by explaining that although to them having to wear certain clothes, and not having a secular education, and maintaining all sorts of other extremist positions might not seem to be part of Torah True Authentic Yiddishkeit™, why should their particular vision of Judaism be any more authoritative than those who maintained that those practices were essential to proper Jewish living? In the yeshivas I went through those were the very things that distinguished us from those Jews who were clearly not living as a proper Torah Jew should! Why should I trust their version of Yiddishkeit over the one I was raised with?
But as I was having this conversation the other day, being told once again not to throw out that infuriating baby, I was hit by an epiphany: I suddenly realized that indeed, I never had thrown out the baby with the bathwater. It’s just that I’ve developed a very different definition of what constitutes the baby and what to consider the bathwater.
To their credit, most of my religious friends are open-minded enough to admit that being pressured to conform to outrageous chumras is not really an essential part of Judaism. That they can accept is the bathwater and it may be discarded. However, to them, keeping kosher, being shomer Shabbos, and keeping the basics of halacha is clearly the baby that needs to be retained. Well, guess what, guys? From where I’m standing, those things are actually bathwater too!
To me, keeping kosher is as much an unnecessary practice as wearing a black hat is to them. True, it might indeed have some social value, serving to maintain a group cohesion and identity, but it’s no more an essential part of being a good person, or a good Jew, than wearing pinstripes is to being a Yankee fan. If you want to do it, that’s fine with me, but when the practice stops contributing to my life in any significant way, and even starts becoming an imposition, then it has, at that instant, earned itself the appellation of bathwater, and can henceforth be discarded.
What they fail to appreciate is that their baby is my bathwater. Yes, I understand that they feel Shabbos is absolutely precious, but I simply don’t find anything worthwhile in all the effort required to observe the day of rest. I don’t care if my girlfriend is not Jewish. It doesn’t matter to me a whit if the packaging of my lunch has a lovely rabbinic seal of approval on it. The myriad laws and rituals of an observant Jew just don’t concern me in any meaningful way. All of this stuff – it’s just bathwater to me.
“Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater” truly is a wise maxim. That’s why I try my hardest not to lose hold of those things from my Jewish upbringing which really matter to me. The values that truly mean something to me, like cultivating deep and lasting relationships, honesty, a lifelong devotion to learning, and kindness.
That’s the pristine Jewish baby that I hope will emerge when the murky waters of my religious past are allowed to finally drain away forever.
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Originally published on Da’as Hedyot on January 6, 2010, and reprinted here with permission. Authors have asked us to note that as the essays featured in “Best of the Blogs” document journeys of transformation, the author’s views may have changed since initial publication.
Nominate your own Best of the Blogs posts with an email to unpious.submissions@gmail.com.
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It’s not just about perspective. Even within Halacha – what is the bathwater and what is the baby. Whenever I consider the question, I realize so much of Halahca actually started as bathwater and became the norm, does that make it part of the baby too – that would mean the chumros of today are the Halachos of tomorrow. So because I happen to live in 2011 I’m subject to a lager baby than in 1011. WTF?
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Well said Da’as Hedyot. Helps me put my own baby in perspective. I’ve always really liked that Hillel story about explaining the Torah while standing on one foot.
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This is such a perfect example of being unqualified to be an apikorus because of not knowing anything.
In any case, I’m sorry, you’ve missed the point. What your friends are trying to tell you is you’ve thrown out the baby with the bathwater because YOU HAVE NO IDEA how to differentiate between the two. Its like you telling an aficionado that their art/music/food….. is all bathwater. You need to educate yourself a little bit first to understand. Going to a crappy music class and saying its not all that good and not for you, so you’re no longer going to learn music makes YOU miss out on what could be amazing.
Judaism clearly (crystal clearly) defines what is baby, what is bathwater, and which bathwater is instituted as baby and for what reason. If you actually cared, you could find out, and understand. What you’re doing is just making excuses for why you could never like music/art/food…… or Judaism.
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Bz , you win the daily unpious prize of the condescending comment of the day. To assume that you understand what his friends meant , without knowing him or his friends, is a little condescending. Also to assume that he hasn’t studied Judaism in depth without knowing him is quite condescending, so you win the condescending prize of the day.
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When reading this article I was thinking about some of the other “time-honored and irresistible analogies that frum people love to pull out of their copious collection of kiruv arguments”, thank you, BZ for reminding me.
What’s this business about being a “qualified apikoras”? The Torah and the Mesorah make wild claims that are neged hachush vihaheegoyin why do you need to be ‘qualified’ to reject it? 9/11 conspiracy theories are more logical than some of Torah’s arguments do you need to be an expert to not believe in them?
Take Torah misinai, at best it can be rationalized, but the burden of its proofs lies squarely in the court of those that believe in it not with those that reject it.
As for the baby and the bath water. How about shaving your beard (dioraiso according to some poskim)or covering your hair (aveezrayhoo digliui arayos) where does Judaism (whatever that means) define if it’s the baby or the bath water?
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“Judaism clearly (crystal clearly) defines what is baby, what is bathwater, and which bathwater is instituted as baby and for what reason.”
So, there’s baby, there’s bathwater, and there’s bathwater instituted as baby? Crystal clear.
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Bz, “halacha” has been a moving target for thousands of years. Charedism is younger than my dad. Chassidism is a couple hundred years old. Rabbinical Judaism is maybe 1200 years old in its present form. “Halacha” is a constantly moving target stuffed with rationalizations, reifications and superstitions. What’s “obviously” or “always been” or even “Torah” – let alone the idea of a single inerrant text and interpretation – is simply factually wrong.
If you “learn” only dogma you might be qualified to be an “apikoros” after decades of study. If you learn some history, logic and science you can be induced to abandon the bullshit much earlier.
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This will be my only response because what is clear is that all of you have an agenda, instead of looking at things w/ an open mind.
Halacha is indeed a moving target. Charedism is in fact the bull**** you call it.
What halacha clearly defines is how halacha develops. How minghagim develop…. and in fact, if you throw away the bullcrap that is rationalizations, reifications and superstitions you’re left w/ the real thing.
You, Todd, have just proved my point – you threw out the baby w/ the bathwater, because again, you’re not qualified to be able to tell the difference.
You might call me condescending, but I’m just calling a spade a spade. Don’t write articles or post comments making believe you’re an open minded, enlightened human being, when all you’re doing is justifying your own guilt by attacking what you don’t understand. You’re not open minded, nor are you enlightened. You’re ignorant, and you don’t actually care to be educated about it. You’re just trying to pacify your conscience. If you really didn’t care, you wouldn’t be reading this article, and even more importantly, you wouldn’t be posting comments.
For all the rest of you reading, do yourself a favor, get in touch w/ some qualified educators. Unfortunately, they are hard to find, and there are 10 times as many unqualified “educators” as there are actual knowledgeable ones. I have found that many of the YU educators are pretty decent, but I have also found that even among those that call themselves charedi, they usually have excellent logic & reasoning behind their way of doing things – though 99% of their “followers” have missed the point and are just spewing dogma.
So unfortunately, the whole issue is compounded by the fact that it takes a bit of effort to find an educator that can actually make sense of things – and what typically happens is that the baby gets thrown out w/ the bathwater, because of all the confusion.
A wise man once told me – If the answer to a question of yours is “It’s Complicated” – that means they don’t actually know the answer.
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“A wise man once told me – If the answer to a question of yours is “It’s Complicated” – that means they don’t actually know the answer.”
Excellent point. “It’s complicated” is exactly what your comments boil down to.
If you’re so convinced about your worldview, engage on the issues, instead of weaseling out by sending people to “educators.”
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It’s interesting that BZ admits that 99% of people are spewing nonsense, and that there are 10 times as many unqualified “educators” as there are actual knowledgeable ones, yet somehow one who realizes it’s nonsense is simply ignorant and uneducated.
Basically, what he seems to be saying is that if you at first came to the very same understanding he has (that there’s so much BS said in the name of religion), but didn’t then go to the “right”, BZ-approved educators, who can tell the difference between the “real” baby and bathwater, then you are simply “justifying your own guilt” and obviously have an agenda. Clearly, if you don’t do things the BZ way, you’re doing it wrong.
Truthfully, all this is really besides the point. Although he accuses me of missing the point, it seems to me that it is BZ who is doing so, and who has, unfortunately, successfully sidetracked the discussion.
I never said that I stopped being religious because I couldn’t tell apart the baby vs. bathwater. I knew very well what my community considered to be the core inviolate principles and what was more superfluous. I knew exactly what was their baby and what was their bathwater, and how to differentiate between the two.
The point is not that I’m now (or was then) mixing up what’s baby and what’s bathwater because I was confused (or uneducated). It’s simply that I no longer judge what is baby and what is bathwater by frum criteria. When a frum person says to me, “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater,” they’re essentially saying, “You need to get a better understanding of the halachic system and appreciate what Judaism REALLY cares about.” Really? Why would I do that? Halacha has no meaning to me whatsoever, regardless of if it’s a d’oraysa restriction of what I can’t do on shabbos, or if it’s some recent minhag like wearing a black hat all the time. None of it matters to me at all. I no longer determine right and wrong by the barometer of the shulchan aruch. Why would I ever want to use your criteria to decide what’s important to me?
But there are values from Judaism that I still retain. Honesty, compassion, a connection to our history, an appreciation for fierce debate, giving back to the community, these are all values that have strong roots in Jewish tradition, and are some of the things that are now part of my Jewish identity. I know you don’t agree with this formulation, and I don’t expect you to. But that’s what I was trying to convey in the essay above. I don’t view these things through your lens any more, and when you tell me, “Don’t throw out the baby…” it’s as absurd to me as if you had said, “But the mishna brura says it’s assur!”
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But there are values from Judaism that I still retain. Honesty, compassion, a connection to our history, an appreciation for fierce debate, giving back to the community, these are all values that have strong roots in Jewish tradition, and are some of the things that are now part of my Jewish identity.”
I’m really glad you said that. Because I feel (again, solely my opinion but shared by many here, I am sure) that there are some entrenched invaluable seminal Jewish values we really want to retain. Whatever stripe you subscribe to. You pointed those out here. Honesty, ethics, a love of learning, study and fierce debate are right up there. I hope we don’t lose sight of what is remarkable and admirable about our shared culture and legacy.
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“But when it’s all been mixed up into that one big chulent that we call Yiddishkeit, it’s hard to know what’s worth keeping and what’s not.”
This is a very good point. They don’t stop preaching that ‘minhag yisrael torah’, in other words, that speaking Yiddish and eating fish on shabbos with the bare hands is as important as not eating on yom kippor, and then they wonder why we can’t define the baby.
Just one interesting point, Statistics show that orthodox Jews (even modern orthodox) have stronger relationships and are less likely to be drunk than reform and secular Jews. That indicates that the two ‘babies’ are somewhat connected. See this
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,863183,00.html
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703525704575061442303169342.html
http://www.yourtango.com/200623/forbidden-desires
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Hedyot, I think part of the question is, as a community, can we preserve and enhance the values you cherish and pass them on to our children without Torah and Halachic order and lifestyle? Of course, many societies and individuals embody these values without Torah, but your list has a decidedly Jewish “ta’am”. Would the Jewish people still exist as a distinct, dynamic entity 100 years from now if everyone made the choice you made? Would the world lose the repository of gifts our heritage contributes to humanity?
Perhaps Bz is saying, had you found observance meaningful before you threw it away, it would be “baby” for you. Your struggle would be different if you needed to choose between what you felt was baby and baby, your obedience to God on one hand, and your personal preferences on the other. Further, Bz might suggest had you grown up differently, you would not have had a “baby and bath water” dilemma. You might have found it all contributed to your happiness. Of course, where you stand now, your choice is a no-brainer. In different circumstances, perhaps you would have seen the choice another way.
What makes one’s halachos more “baby” than another’s? I think there are objective means to find that out. If one accepts Torah, talmudic literature and method allow one to decide what forms sacred halacha, what is recommended, and what is left to choice. Tradition, Rabbinic authority, halacha, and custom have specific roles. I find most Jews are intelligent enough to make those distinctions, and the ones I speak to do so with reasonable uniformity.
Observant societies differ on how to apply those principles practically, and that results in a dazzling rainbow of Jewish cultures. But I think the underlying axioms remain constant. A believer who accepts the fundamentals of religious order can choose to apply them the way that best suits him, and can join a community that conforms with his choice.
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Sorry, I don’t think BZ was saying any of that, but it’s nice of you to be dan l’kaf zechus.
“Would the Jewish people still exist as a distinct, dynamic entity 100 years from now if everyone made the choice you made?”
That’s a wonderfully theoretical, yet totally irrelevant, question. Obviously, everyone is not going to make the choice I did.
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> “Would the world lose the repository of gifts our heritage contributes to humanity?”
If there were no more Jews, why would what they have contributed in the past be lost? The world still has the cultural gifts of the ancient Greeks and other cultures. Why would it be different for the Jews?
As to current contributions, in what lasting way do chareidi Jews contribute in any way to the larger society or culture?
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Hedyot, I guess I feel a responsibility to contribute to the continuity of Judaism. Obviously, that’s not the only reason I live my lifestyle. But it is part of it. It’s most relevant when participating involves conforming in ways I find inane and pointless.
Jack, are you asking for a list of Torah observant scientists, lawmakers, politicians, philosophers, lawyers, doctors, professors, historians, businessmen, lobbyists, musicians, entertainers, journalists, and more, who feel Judaism informs their contributions to society? I think your question is similar to, “How does Christianity, Buddhism, or atheism contribute to society and culture?” Belief systems, especially well established ones, don’t often introduce drastic, easily measurable changes to stable nations. But movers and shakers who are adherents, and communities who hold those beliefs, introduce ideas and cause subtle shifts that influence civilization’s course.
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> Jack, are you asking for a list of Torah observant scientists, lawmakers, politicians…
No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t claiming that Torah observant Jews don’t contribute to society. My question was in response to the query of “Would the world lose the repository of gifts our heritage contributes to humanity?”, and the implication that if there were no more observant Jews, the world would be losing out on some gift that OJ contributes to it.
Of course observant Jews contribute to society (inasmuch as they are productive members of society). But being a productive member of society is not the same as contributing to a “repository of gifts that contribute to humanity”. I was looking for some recent examples of how Torah ideas or halachic-inspired ideals have contributed to, or affected in some way, the worlds collective understanding of art, science, philosophy, psychology, humanities, economics, engineering, etc.
Basically, I’m asking, what would the world be missing out on if there had been no Orthodox Judaism the past 200 years?
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“I guess I feel a responsibility to contribute to the continuity of Judaism.”
So do I. Just not Orthodox Judaism.
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“Would the Jewish people still exist as a distinct, dynamic entity 100 years from now”
i would love for someone to articulate WHY this is important.
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The thing that bothers me is, that every single Jew, no matter how “chareidi” or chassidish or yeshivish or whatever makes baby/bathwater choices every single day. We decide that it is important to cover our knees and our elbows, but it’s ok if it’s a little tight, that’s not really an issue of tznius. Or WHATEVER. At the end of the day, we ALL make these choices all the time. It is physically impossible to keep 613 mitzvos at 100% every second of the day. So why do people judge others who have made different baby/bathwater choices. It’s all a part of being human. Who knows if the Jewish values you have chosen to uphold are any more or less important than the Jewish values they have chosen to uphold. Most of the “OTD” people I know, for example, are a lot more careful about lashon harah & honesty in business than most of the “frum” people I know. Last time I checked, these were both pretty much universally considerd by people like BZ to be baby and not bathwater.
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This concept is explored in Deepa Mehta’s excellent film ‘Water’. I especially love the scene where the star-crossed lovers ponder thier place in the universe while sitting in the branches of the Banyan tree. The woman is in love with her culture, but imprisoned by the rules regarding widowhood. She posits that some of the old ways are good and some are harmful, and the man asks her who is to choose which to keep and which to throw away. She looks into his eyes and says firmly “you should”.
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I don’t disagree with a word of what you have written but would like to point out that everything which you wrote means one thing within an ethnic Jewish context and something else in a Gentile context. When one lives or marries people of other “nations,” one understands what being Jewish is on a more fundamental level than mere religious practice.
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