And it Was Evening and it Was Morning. And His Pecker Hurt

1 And when Abraham was ninety years old and nine, the Lord appeared before him. And the Lord sought to have a little fun with His Chosen One.

2 “I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect. … Abraham? You there? Why art thou ignoring me and cowering behind that rock?”

3 “Because you scare me. Look God, I don’t mean to question your judgment, but haven’t we been through this already – when you told me to pack up and leave my poor ailing mother and go into the wilderness? She still sends me postcards addressed to ‘My Dear Son, The Idiot.’ I want to go home. This rock behind which I cower is where I sleep.”

4 And the Lord said, “But I will make thee exceedingly fruitful, and I will make nations of thee. And kings shall come out of thee.”

5 “I’m 99. Almost nothing comes out of me.”

6 But the Lord continued anyway: “as a sign of my love for thee, ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt you and me.”

7 “‘Betwixt you and me’? This sounds like it’s betwixt me and Mr. Johnson. Look God, I don’t mean to question your wisdom, but this strikes me as a bad idea. I’m 99. I need help cutting my brisket. Please, please, can’t I just jump in the river like the goys do?”

8 But the Lord ignored his appeal. And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when the Lord gave to him a cleaver, some whiskey, a bandage, and a poorly drawn anatomical map. And Abraham circumcised the flesh of his foreskin. And it was evening and it was morning. And his pecker hurt.

9 “OK, done. But I think I took a little too much off. The goys in the steam room all laugh at me. And my wife is laughing at me. I’m sleeping on the sofa. My Mother sends postcards addressed to ‘My Dear Son, the Circumcised Idiot’. Is there any chance some of it will grow back?”

10 “Oh, it’s about as likely as the moshiach coming. Now pull yourself together, go forth, and pru urvu –  be fruitful and multiply.”

11 “Look God, I don’t mean to question your seykhel, but these don’t strike me as optimal circumstances for what you call ‘fruitful multiplication’. There’s already been too much subtraction and division. To quote my bemused wife as she put away her calculator and geometry set: ‘Multiply? Multiply what? Multiply with what?’”

12 And the Lord said, “Well, perhaps one day you’ll look back on this and have a good laugh. But I’ll make it up to you. You have my permission to go and shtupp the shiksa maid. I think she likes you.”

13 “Who, Hagar? Really? This may be just what I need to get my confidence back.”

14 And the Lord said, “Just bear in mind she is an Arab.”

15 “So? Her papers are in order. She has a Green Card. And I’m 99. My anatomy is the joke of Canaan. And my pecker hurts. I’ll take what I can get. She’s got a nice bosom and no visible signs of leprosy. Very zaftig. Never late for work and impeccable with a vacuum cleaner. Her kreplach is to die for. She reminds me of Mother. What do I care if she’s an Arab?”

16 And the Lord said, “Your carnal union will lead to calamity among your descendants. Much blood shall be shed, pitting brother against brother; in the name of the Lord, in the name of this land of milk and honey, in the name of our covenant.”

17 “Well God, perhaps one day you’ll look back on this and have a good laugh. I’m 99. This may be my last chance to get laid.”

18 And Abraham lay with Hagar the Palestinian housekeeper. And it was evening and it was morning. And his pecker hurt.

Tags: Abraham, Bible, bible stories, circumcision, concubines, featured, God, Hagar