Off the Derech

Rievi and I sit on rocks near the shallow stream, the water cascading over tangles of rocks, branches, and fallen tree trunks, seeking its way, as water always does, to the lowest point. We eat the food we…

I push my way out when the pressure in my head becomes unbearable. There are voices, but I can’t really hear them. There is a lot of piety around me in this shul. Some of it is hopeful and…

“Zah nisht kan naar!” thundered a voice about fifteen feet away. I turned to see a husky middle-aged clean-shaven man in a ragged suit jacket and mismatched pants conducting a domineering exchange with a bearded yingermann.

I was standing…

Escaping from God to the city of sin. Without success.
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It was a typical “night seder” in Yeshiva, the last period of a long day. I stood with one foot on the floor and the other on the footrest of my shtender, rocking back and forth as my elbows pressed…

I lay next to Heshy on the couch, comforted by the warmth of his body. As usual, the bachelor pad that Mendy and Heshy shared was filled with assorted members of the Monsey underworld. Most were ex-Chasidic, whether or not…

At first all we did was hang out with our own. Fellow Chasidim on the fringe, men only. We didn’t know many women, and those we did know weren’t like us at all. With time we progressed. We met friends,…

These days, I cruise the streets of Williamsburg—Marcy Avenue, Wythe Avenue, Bedford—camera dangling from my neck, protected by my flannel jacket, pillowed against my chest. I pedal slowly, on the lookout for my mark. I never know in advance what…

As a teenager I read an article in Cosmo about how guys with stubble like the red they can bring to a woman’s cheeks during kissing: It’s a she’s-so-tender-I’m-so-tough type of thing. The first time I saw a Chasid, his beard looked vaguely terrifying. I’ve always hated beards, macho like my Dad’s, like Hulk...
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I Love You, Brother. You’re a part of me, and I can’t let go. My heart hurts that yours is broken. I watch you twist and turn and I feel knotted up inside. I see you blink back tears, and my own eyes sting. I smile when you smile, brother. Because I do care and I...
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